151. Mu Family Home’s Clinic

The two men were stuck in a stalemate for a while before something clicked in YiHan’s mind.

“Are you afraid I’ll run away?” YiHan asked.

JingYuan’s eyes went wide. They stared at him as though they were asking why was YiHan so smart all of a sudden.

“Don’t look at me like that,” YiHan continued. “You weren’t this opposed to going to the hospital before. Today, you wouldn’t go no matter what and then there are the two men by the door, guarding it. It’s not hard to guess. Relax. I never planned on running away in the first place. You now have a high fever. Where would I go? Let go already. I’ll go get a change of clothes for you. Since you don’t want to move, I’ll carry you to the car.”

JingYuan blinked at YiHan but he didn’t let go of YiHan’s hand. Instead, his eyes slid close.

“Mu JingYuan!” YiHan furiously said. “Don’t you pretend to be asleep! Let me go! You’re nearly cooked through! Do you want to turn into an idiot?”

JingYuan’s eyes twitched but his eyelids remained shut.

YiHan was so enraged that he could blow up the house. He forgot all about the lies and the worries. He dragged JingYuan up to carry him on his back.

“Whatever,” YiHan barked out. “Let’s not get changed then. I won’t be the one embarrassed then. I’ll carry you to the car now! You always like to say I have a child’s temper. Look at you now! Your tantrum is so much worse than any of mine! You have a high fever and we don’t know why at all. What if it’s a lung infection? What if it’s a disease or a virus? How can you still think about something so trivial? Do you even know your priorities?”

“I do,” JingYuan finally whispered. “You.” Either way, I can’t let you leave this house.

YiHan was stunned. All strength left his body. He silently wiped at his eyes. Then, just as he was about to speak, Dr Chen came jogging into the room, panting as he stepped through the door. YiHan hurriedly shifted JingYuan back on the bed and moved aside for Dr Chen.

“Dr Chen, hurry,” YiHan said. “Take a look at him. His fever died down this morning but in just a few hours, he’s suddenly burning again! What’s going on?”

Dr Chen didn’t dare waste a single second. He immediately stepped forward for a thorough check of JingYuan and also took some blood to test later.

“Mr Mu,” said Dr Chen, “I’d need to conduct a blood test for you and it’d be for the best if you had a chest scan done. Would it be better if we head to the hospital now?”

For a moment, JingYuan kept quiet. Then, he answered, “We can have the blood test and scans done here. My father’s body was rather sickly before his death. He also didn’t like going to the hospital. My mother bought all the equipment they needed and built a clinic here. After their deaths, I’ve sealed off the clinic. However, everything in there still works perfectly. They’re regularly maintained. There’d be no problems with a few simple tests.”

“Then,” Dr Chen asked, “can I use it?”

“Since I mentioned the clinic, of course it can be used,” JingYuan calmly said. He then looked up at Wei Wu who’d led Dr Chen up. “The key is with Pan Wen. Tell him to open the door. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Wei Wu grunted a confirmation and left the room.

YiHan stared at JingYuan, dazed. He knew the Mu family home had a clinic. He might’ve been a tiny child back then but he remembered everything about this clearly. JingYuan’s father, Mu ChuanYu, was an especially kind and gentle man. While corny, it’d be apt to call him the perfect gentleman, courteous, polite, and respectful.

Mu ChuanYu had the brightest eyes ever. He had the most gentle of personalities. YiHan had always thought the man was the closest anyone could get to being perfect. Unfortunately, when God opens a door for you, He would never forget to close off the windows. Mu ChuanYu was born a sickly man. He had a very weak body and would frequently fall sick. He’s the kind of man who’d always be stuffed full of medicine.

JingYuan’s mother, ShiYing, was the classic “strong woman” type. Her gaze was fierce and piercing while her lips were thin and constantly pursed together. JingYuan’s looks were largely inherited from his mother. Her wrists were as strong as steel. She’s like a whirlwind of decisiveness and efficiency. She was the exact opposite of what people usually thought women should act like. Everyone who knew the couple thought their personalities must’ve been swapped at birth. However, this great and strong woman had given all the tenderness in her to ChuanYu. The man’s health had never been the best so she couldn’t bear to let him tire himself out with work. Back then, she managed the entire company alone and she was so successful at it that none of the other Mu family members could say a word of opposition.

The private hospital YiHan had been admitted to in the previous few times? That was specifically started up by ShiYing just for her husband. However, ChuanYu had an intense dislike for hospitals. When ShiYing knew of it, she pulled a few strings to purchase the equipment needed to build a clinic in their home. She then paid high salaries for a few medical experts to frequent the Mu family home. This way, as long as ChuanYu’s health hadn’t deteriorated into a critical state, the man could undergo all checks and treatments in the comfort of his own home.

Everyone knew the man could never live long, not with the state of his body. No one could’ve imagined that the cause of his death would be a sudden car crash.  The crash claimed the lives of the couple in the prime of their lives. After their deaths, JingYuan dismissed the medical staff they’d hired and sealed off the clinic. That place was proof of his mother’s love for his father. The mere sight of the place would remind JingYuan of them. Hence, he had never stepped a foot in there ever since their deaths. He merely arranged for technicians to periodically service the machines. Everyone in the Mu family knew the clinic existed but no one would dare to mention borrowing it. That clinic was built for Mu ChuanYu. Now that Mu ChuanYu was dead, no one would be fit to use it. Of course, no one except for Mu ChuanYu’s only son, JingYuan.

YiHan thought the clinic would never see the light of day again. Who knew it’d be so easily unearthed?

The clinic was built in the basement of the mansion. It’s a huge space with all the necessary machines. It could even act as a miniature hospital. The sight of the place would astound anyone who walked in. Its existence was the culmination of the Mu Group’s riches and ShiYing’s charm. It fully represented the passionate love ShiYing held for ChuanYu.

YiHan helped Jingyuan down the steps. Once more, the lights went bright and the machines whirred. Looking at it, YiHan grimaced.

“What is it?” JingYuan softly asked. “Not happy?”

YiHan turned to JingYuan and replied, “I thought you’d never open this place up ever again.”

The other man sighed and said, “I thought so too.”

YiHan was confused. “Then why…?” Looking at JingYuan’s face turning away, YiHan continued, shocked, “Is it just because you don’t want me to step a foot out of this house? This is just so…! This is Uncle Mu’s private place. You would open it just for something like this?”

“When I locked this place up, I intended to not let anyone else touch anything in here,” JingYuan murmured. “They exist for my father. My father’s gone so they shouldn’t serve anyone else.”

“Then…”

“But the dead will never come back. I left this place be as a memorial to my father. But if it can help me make you stay, my father will definitely support my move.”

YiHan’s tongue twisted into a knot. “I told you. I won’t leave! Anyway, I can run but my home can’t! Where would I run off to? There was absolutely no need for you to unlock this place!”

JingYuan’s eyes drifted down to the floor. “You don’t trust me. Why should I trust you? I don’t want to bear any risk of losing you. There is a need for this clinic to be reopened. YiHan, it doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. I love you. I cannot tolerate any doubts about it. Even if you think I’m just bluffing to calm you down and you’d never believe me again, I will not let go. Since you think everything between us is just a lie, let the lie continue for the rest of our lives then!”

YiHan’s mouth gaped open. “Then hurry up and get better. Don’t be all sickly. I…”

Wei Wu was walking behind the couple. Watching a thin and tiny Bai YiHan precariously supporting Mu JingYuan as they walked forward was a terrifying sight for him. While JingYuan was much thinner than he was before, his bone structure was still gigantic in comparison. The two stumbled and swayed forward with Wei Wu constantly afraid that they’d both collapse any moment. Just as the thought popped into his head, YiHan’s feet tripped and his entire being tilted towards JingYuan. Wei Wu still remembered his boss’s orders. He didn’t dare touch YiHan so he reached out to support JingYuan and pull both men back upright.

YiHan’s heart skipped when his feet had slipped. He was going to use his body to shield JingYuan from the floor when someone pulled them to their feet. YiHan turned around to shoot the person a grateful look but…!

Wei Wu had a hand on JingYuan’s shoulder and another on JingYuan’s waist. Combined with Wei Wu’s huge form, it looked like the man had pulled JingYuan into his embrace!

YiHan shot a stern glare at Wei Wu’s hands. Despite his slightly round and babyish eyes, his glare was forceful enough to project the aura of a ferocious being!

Wei Wu hurriedly took his hands away from JingYuan and swiftly took a step back. His face was as solemn and stern as usual.

YiHan shot the man a few more glares and took a few deep breaths. Only then did he turn back to JingYuan and tugged JingYuan, who was really rather large compared to him, into his embrace. Then, the two stumbled along to their destination.

JingYuan sneakily looked back and gave Wei Wu a slight smile of approval.

Wei Wu who had yet to move: “…”

Pan Wen walked over and chuckled, “Fell flat on your face? You must’ve grown some balls to be bold enough to touch someone else’s man.”

“I was only afraid they’d fall,” Wei Wu blankly replied with an innocent face.

Pan Wen reached out and poked Wei Wu on the cheek and said in a rather amorous manner, “Are you a fool? What kind of person do you think Mr Mu is? Even if he has a fever, there’s no way he can’t stand on his own two feet. Even if you didn’t help them, they would never have fallen.”

Wei Wu was visibly confused.

“Lil Wu,” Pan Wen said, eyes squinting in a smile, “have all the brain cells in your mind been squished out of your brain by your muscles? An occasional show of weakness is a kind of romantic play between lovers. You never seem to get it at all.”

Wei Wu frowned and pondered for a moment. Then, he nodded and said, “It doesn’t matter if I don’t get it. It’s fine as long as you don’t hate me for it.”

Pan Wen froze and “gently” tapped his head against Wei Wu’s chest. “Oh, you,” he coyly said. “Of course I wouldn’t hate you for it. If I do, no one would want you.”

Wei Wu was forced a few steps back by that head bump. He paused for a second to compose himself before replying, “I’m fine as long as I have you. I don’t need to get anything.”

Pan Wen replied with a loud kiss on the cheek and said, “Thus, we’re born to be together. Let’s go do it tonight!”

Wei Wu’s face flushed red as he excitedly mumbled an “mn”.

***

JingYuan had a chest scan and a blood test done. The results showed that he had a slight lung infection. Dr Chen prescribed some medication for him, then JingYuan returned to his bedroom for a saline drip. YiHan returned to his room. He looked at the mess of a room and sighed. He silently packed his belongings and moved them into JingYuan’s room. By the time YiHan entered the room, JingYuan was fast asleep, exhausted by the day’s events.

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150. Dream

Perhaps it was because YiHan hadn’t been resting well lately. Perhaps it was because a tiny flame of hope was lit up in him. YiHan actually drifted off to sleep soon after he laid down on the bed.

Hazily, he saw JingYuan looking into his eyes. The other man’s eyes were filled to the brim with love. In the deep and mesmerising voice unique to JingYuan, the man repeatedly spoke into his ears.

“HanHan, this really is my dream life. I hope our lives can stay the same even as we grow old. Just like today. We’ll shower together in the evenings and dry each other’s hair.”

“I like to dry your hair. I like to wash your face, wash your back. I like doing anything and everything for you. When I was taking care of you at the hospital, your parents would often say I’m running myself ragged. However, I felt so happy. You’d obediently sit on the bed and wait for me to wash your face with a wet towel. You were just so adorable. I like it even when helping you in the toilet.”

“HanHan, before, I could still control myself. But ever since I’ve gotten together with you, I’ve realised I’m becoming more and more of a pervert. I want to hold you every single moment of the day. My hands never want to part with your skin. I’m always thinking about kissing you. It doesn’t matter if it’s your hair or your feet. I also want to be in the bed with you forever. When you change clothes, I want to lean in and take in your scent. HanHan, I might be touched starved or something worse. I want to turn you into a tiny version of yourself so I can bring you with me everywhere I go. I don’t want to be parted from you, not even for a minute.”

“HanHan, the other half of my life’s goals consists of loving you, protecting you, grow old with you and do my best to live just a little longer than you so you’ll never feel lonely.”

JingYuan repeated those lines over and over again. Gradually, the love in his eyes turned into sorrow. His voice slowly deepened and softened.

“HanHan, you reject being intimate with me. You reject my kisses. HanHan, do you…regret being with me? Is that it?”

“You wouldn’t marry me. You refuse to be near me. HanHan, I…I’m terrified.”

“I thought you loved me. While you might not love me as much as I do you, but i-it’s also love. Was I thinking too highly of myself?”

“Must you torture me so? HanHan, do you still…love me?”

“YiHan, you don’t trust me. With just a few incomplete sentences, you’ve declared all of my feelings for you false. Were all the moments we’d spent together worth nothing to you? Why do you have no faith in me?”

“I don’t understand. How can you so easily say you’d give up on me? I thought you loved me. HanHan, what am I to you?”

JingYuan just stood there. His eyes were overwhelmed by sadness. His face, attacked by immense frustration. Bloody tears streaked down the man’s cheeks.

“HanHan, I whole-heartedly loved you,” he mumbled, “but you’d treat me like this. I don’t want to love you anymore. You’re like a stone that I can never warm up. You’re so very cold…”

YiHan felt a pang in his heart. Panic rose in him. He wanted to embrace the other man. He strained and strained but his body just wouldn’t move. He wanted to shout out, “Don’t be sad! I love you too! I never wanted to give up on you!” but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything but watch as JingYuan became more and more depressed. The man grew more and more disappointed in him until he finally turned and left him.

YiHan’s mind was in a mess. He panicked. He did his best to shout for JingYuan, to chase after him, but his legs just wouldn’t move and his voice just wouldn’t work. All he could do was stand there and silently roar over and over again, “JingYuan, come back! Come back!”

***

JingYuan sat on the floor for a long time. He didn’t know how long. All he knew was chaos ruled his mind. He thought he’d given YiHan all the love that existed within him. Why did YiHan cut off everything between them without a single question? Was YiHan that eager to leave him because he felt as though he’d been cheated? Can YiHan ever trust him again? How should he explain things so YiHan would believe him?

His mind buzzed with random thoughts of how to explain himself, how to save their relationship, how to resolve this misunderstanding standing between them. At least he now knew why YiHan suddenly distanced himself from him and began rejecting his affection, right? He could only plan properly once he knew the reason. This was an improvement, JingYuan consoled himself.

He seemed to have made up many plans, yet it seemed like he couldn’t think of a plan at all. He only knew he absolutely can’t let YiHan leave. They were so close to being together forever. JingYuan can’t let go! He won’t let go!

JingYuan sat there on the icy cold floor for hours, lost in his thoughts. He didn’t even shift or twitch during this time. The longer he sat there, the heavier his head felt.

What was HanHan doing now? Was he asleep? Did he try to leave? If so, would he be even angrier at being stopped by JingYuan’s men? What should JingYuan do to be forgiven? HanHan had his guard up against him. HanHan wouldn’t believe a single word he said. How should he prove his love for HanHan was true?

JingYuan thumped his head hard with a hand. He wayed to his feet and shuffled out of his room. He didn’t want to be all alone anymore. He desperately needed to look in on YiHan. Just a glance.

He walked to YiHan’s door. He stopped. His hand raised, poised to knock on the door. He hesitated. If HanHan was asleep, would a knock on the door wake the younger man up?

He bit down on his lip and decided to just open the door. The handle turned and the door opened. It wasn’t locked. He let out a soft sigh of relief as he bitterly chuckled on the inside. He had fallen so far. He wanted to cheer and giggle at how YiHan felt safe enough not to lock his bedroom door.

JingYuan gently swung the door open. As expected, YiHan was fast asleep. However, the younger man wasn’t sleeping properly at all. YiHan’s head was laying on the mattress with no pillow underneath it. His blanket was still folded away. The man slept horizontally across the bed with his normal clothes still on.

JingYuan’s heart throbbed. Thank goodness he’d come to take a look at the silly young man. Autumn was here. If YiHan had slept through the night as is, the man would’ve caught a cold. In what JingYuan thought to be a “quick walk”, he walked over to the bed. His arms stretched out, about to carry YiHan up in his arms, when he heard a slurred mumble. He froze. Thinking YiHan had been woken up by his entrance, JingYuan looked down in guilt. Contrary to expectations, YiHan was still asleep. But the man’s brows were locked in a tight frown. YiHan’s fair, smooth forehead was covered in a sheen of sweat. Tears streamed from his closed eyes.

Fear struck JingYuan’s heart. He hurriedly knelt down by the bed and attempt to wake YiHan up with a few shoves.

“HanHan?” JingYuan called out. “Is it a nightmare? Wake up!”

In YiHan’s dreams, he was staring at JingYuan’s back as the other man gradually disappeared from his view as YiHan was stuck helpless. YiHan felt as though he was drowning in a deep, dark void of despair when he suddenly heard a panicked voice shouting into his ears.

“HanHan?” the voice shouted. “HanHan, wake up! Wake up!”

It was JingYuan! YiHan’s eyes snapped wide open to be greeted with JingYuan’s flushed face hovering above his. The dejection and sorrow YiHan felt in his dream surged to the front of his mind. YiHan threw his arms around the older man’s neck.

“JingYuan!” YiHan sobbed. “You’re back! You came back…Don’t go. Please. I beg you…”

The force of YiHan throwing himself at JingYuan nearly toppled the sick man. JingYuan swiftly sat up on the bed and wrapped YiHan in a similarly tight embrace.

“I’m not going anywhere,” JingYuan couldn’t help but say. “You’re here. Where can I go? HanHan, was it your dream? Don’t be scared. It’s just a dream, a lie. It’s fine. Don’t be scared. It’s all my fault. I shouted at you and force you to sleep alone.”

YiHan’s hands clutched at the back of JingYuan’s shirt. His mind was still drowning in the bits and pieces he remembered from his dream. His entire body was trembling. His shirt was soaked through with sweat. JingYuan felt as if he could die at the sight. Before he knew it, a hand raised to wipe the tears and sweat off YiHan’s face.

“Don’t cry, babe,” JingYuan softly cooed, his other hand gently patting YiHan on the back. “Don’t cry. Nothing in your dream is real.”

YiHan lifted his hands and stroked JingYuan’s face. “JingYuan,” he muttered, “I’m not a rock. You can warm me up.”

JingYuan’s mind sluggishly tried to comprehend YiHan’s words. “What did you say?” he mumbled back. “Who would dare say you’re a rock?”

As YiHan’s hands lingered over JingYuan’s face, he suddenly realised JingYuan’s temperature didn’t feel right. That thought dragged him out of his dreamy haze. He was wide awake now. He hurriedly touched his forehead against JingYuan’s. All he could feel was a broiling heat. JingYuan’s skin was boiling. YiHan shot to his feet and hopped for the phone on his bedside table. Then, he ran back to press JingYuan, who was staring at him in confusion, back onto the bed. Only then did YiHan turn his attention to the phone to call Dr Chen. As the phone rang, he stomped and paced in circles.

“JingYuan has a high fever!” YiHan barked into the phone the moment he heard someone answer the call. “It’s particularly bad! Hurry over! Wait, no! We’re at the Mu family home! Come to the Mu family home!”

YiHan hung up and threw the phone aside. Then, YiHan “pounced” on the bed. His hands fluttered all over JingYuan’s face and body. Every inch of skin he touched felt hot to the touch. YiHan was so distressed that he could cry.

“Why is it so bad all of a sudden?” YiHan repeatedly mumbled. “It just died off this morning…”

The younger man climbed out of the bed to search for the thermometer. After thoroughly sanitising the device, he shoved it in JingYuan’s mouth. He then hurried away to fetch some wet towels to wipe the man down in an attempt to lower JingYuan’s temperature.

“Why hasn’t Dr Chen arrived yet?” YiHan muttered as he fussed. “He should be here by now. Why isn’t he here yet? Is traffic bad?”

YiHan took the thermometer from JingYuan’s mouth and glanced at it. It was nearly 40 degrees Celsius. His hand shivered so hard that he nearly threw it away.

“Let’s not wait for Dr Chen,” YiHan said, turning back to JingYuan. “How about we head straight for the hospital?” As he said so, he turned away to look for a change for clothes.

JingYuan’s hand shot out and grabbed YiHan by the hand. “It’s fine, HanHan,” said the man. His eyes shimmered from the tears his eyes had produced in response to his fever. “I’ll be fine after taking some aspirin or something. We’ve been to the hospital before, haven’t we? They found nothing wrong with me anyway. If we go, they’ll only give me a saline IV drip and some pills. Dr Chen can do that.”

YiHan’s hand turned and held JingYuan’s hand in return. “Your fever wasn’t so high before,” YiHan said, his other hand reaching up to grasp at his hair. “Just why did it suddenly worsen?

We have to do a thorough check at the hospital. They have all the equipment we’d need there. Let’s hurry.”

“It’s fine,” JingYuan insisted, hand stubbornly pulling YiHan back. “I don’t want to move right now. I know my body. There’s nothing to worry about at all.”

“The heck you know that!” YiHan roared in fury. “You say you know your limits every time! In the end, you’ve been sick for weeks! There’s not an ounce of flesh on you anymore! You’re all skin and bones!”

“It’s not that bad…”

“Stop wasting time,” YiHan said, tugging his hand back. “Come with me!”

JingYuan pursed his lips. He said nothing but he didn’t let go either.

With how high JingYuan’s fever was, he was nearly out of strength. If YiHan really wanted to get away from JingYuan’s grip, there was no way JingYuan could stop him. However, that tiny flicker of hope had just been reignited in YiHan’s heart. Combined with the dream he just had and the red flush overtaking JingYuan’s face, how could YiHan bear to truly struggle away? How could he when JingYuan was so visibly unwilling to let go? YiHan couldn’t do it, so they were stuck in a stalemate.

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149. Massive Misunderstanding

YiHan wasn’t afraid of JingYuan at all. They’ve already broached the subject. There wasn’t anything to worry about anymore. At the thought of that nightmarish day, his eyes went red.
“Last time, when Dr Zhou came to give me a check-up, you were all hiding in the study room, talking about it. I left my room in search of you. I accidentally overheard what you guys were saying. JingYuan, how I’d wished my life had stopped that day. How I wish it’d stopped the moment I stepped out of my room so I would never have to know of your ‘cure’!”
JingYuan stepped forward to engulf YiHan in a hug. Heedless of the other’s struggle, JingYuan held tight and rumbled, “You must’ve only heard the start of our conversation, HanHan. You must trust me. My love for you has never been faked. I don’t know when it started but I’ve fallen in love with you. I fell in love with you long before my deal with XueQing, long before you dated Tao Qi. Do you know why I would agree to XueQing’s suggestion? Because I thought there was no way we’d be together, ever. It was just an engagement in name. What did it matter? HanHan, you can’t doubt me like this. Can’t you feel my affection for you?”
YiHan’s struggle proved fruitless. “JingYuan, look,” he sighed, all strength drained out of him. “It’s because you can say that without any hesitation or pressure that I’d believe what I overheard. I know you’ve doted on me the whole time we were growing up. I’m sick. You’re afraid I’d suddenly close my mind off and decide to end my life with one slash. You want me to hold beautiful hopes for life. You’ve worked too hard for my sake. JingYuan, I really don’t need all of that. I’m telling you, right here, right now. I won’t attempt suicide ever again. I will live a good life. Your mission is now complete. You can return to your ‘normal’ life!
“I never planned on speaking a word of this. I thought I could play along. This whole show will act out smoothly and I’ll soon ‘get better’. You’ll then step out of the show as planned and I can head to my little nest. Everyone will go their own way. How nice would that be? No one would find it awkward at all. Wouldn’t it be the greatest outcome for us all? Why, just as I take a step back, would you not step out of this situation? You’re clearly lying to me! Why must you press me to stay committed to this act? You’re talking of marriage again? Don’t you think it’s hilarious for you to mention it at this time?”
JingYuan was so angry that his dark spots in his vision had bloomed into a field. His arms tightened around YiHan as he said, “This is your secret? What is your ‘little nest’? That house? You want to hide in there all alone and leave me forever? Do you think I think of myself as a medicine to cure you? HanHan, I’m really not that heroic! If not because I love you and I want to be with you, how could I have agreed to this? Did you know how ecstatic I was on the night of the old Mr Yan’s birthday party? It was the happiest day of my life! I’ll admit. I am hiding something from you, but it’s absolutely not about my feelings for you! Yes, when your parents found out you were mentally ill, they wanted me to comfort you. But we had already gotten together by then. I didn’t say anything then. I was afraid they’d object to our relationship. It was just an opportunity for us to go along with it. I know now I was wrong. I shouldn’t have used such a method to gain their assent! If I’d just came out clean to them about our relationship, such a massive misunderstanding wouldn’t have happened!”
The long bout of fever JingYuan was going through had his strength waning out not long after the fight started. Soon, YiHan could struggle away out of the man’s embrace.
“A misunderstanding?” YiHan asked, head lowered as he took a step back. “JingYuan, I truly don’t dare to believe you anymore. My mind is not as smart as yours. There’s no way I can tell which of what you said is the truth and which is a lie. If you truly thought of me as a younger brother, if you truly love me, then stop lying to me. I only want the truth. I don’t want to live in a dream that’ll shatter in an instant.”
When YiHan shoved himself out of JingYuan’s embrace, the impact also pushed JingYuan backwards until he sat back down on the bed. The man sat there, head in his hands. He looked like a shrivelled shell of who he used to be
“YiHan, you don’t trust me,” said JingYuan, “With just a few incomplete sentences, you’ve declared all of my feelings for you false. Were all the moments we’d spent together worth nothing to you? Why do you have no faith in me? XueQing knows of my feelings too. Do you trust your sister? Or do you think everyone is working together to fool you?”
YiHan twisted his head to the side. “I know you’re all doing it for my sake. I’m not blaming you. There’s just no need for us to keep dragging both of us down to a halt in our lives. You should have your own life. You’ve done enough for me…”
JingYuan’s head snapped up. His eyes were bloodshot as he shouted, “Bai YiHan!”
YiHan was startled.
The other man swiped a hand across his face. It was now stuck in an emotionless state yet a tear slowly rolled down his cheek.
“I’m sorry,” JingYuan hoarsely rumbled. “I didn’t mean to shout at you. But you… I don’t understand. How can you so easily say you’d give up on me? I thought you loved me. While you might not love me as much as I do you, but i-it’s also love. Was I thinking too highly of myself?”
YiHan stared into JingYuan’s red eyes. The man’s face was pale and devoid of blood. His fingers were quivering. There was a tear streak on the face, something that should never appear on the man’s face. YiHan could feel his heart shattering from the pain of it all. This was the man he’d loved for two lifetimes. How could YiHan just let go of him? However, YiHan’s love was too strong and too deeply embedded in his being. He didn’t know what was the best choice for the man he loved. YiHan could play the fool to make JingYuan stay by his side. As long as he doesn’t “get better”, JingYuan would stay by his side. A day more with the man is better than nothing. Still, he didn’t want JingYuan to waste away the prime of his life. He didn’t want the man to sacrifice anything for him. He thought by setting the man free, only one of them would have to deal with the agony of being separated. But why was the other man in so much pain? Did he truly love YiHan?
YiHan’s breathing came out in harsh, rapid pants. His mouth opened and closed again and again but he never could muster the courage to voice the question. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration as he dashed out of the room.
JingYuan stared at the closed door. His mind blanked out as he sat there in silence for a while. Suddenly he shot up and swept everything on the headboard off. As the items crashed into the floor, his chest heaved up and down in quick succession. Dark spots grew once more in his vision. He stood still, body swaying, as his mind slowly whirred. He then picked up his phone off the floor and made a call.
“No matter the circumstances, do not let Little Master Bai leave the house,” JingYuan rasped into the phone. He then paused for a brief moment before adding on, “Remember, don’t frighten him. Also, anyone who dares lay a finger on him will be killed!”
The man then hung up. His figure slid down to the floor beside his bed as his head drooped down. He sat there, slouched and unmoving.
As for YiHan, he’d rushed about in the hallways in a panic from the moment he’d left JingYuan’s room. He returned to the room JingYuan had arranged for him. Pushing open the door revealed a room that made his heart race in distress once more. He hurriedly turned and dashed down the stairs, hoping to get some fresh air in the gardens outside. Every room in this house had signs of JingYuan’s presence. The aura threatened to engulf him.
However, the instant he reached the front doors, two men in black suits appeared out of thin air to block the door. They were two exceedingly large and muscular men with faces so strict and solemn that they looked like guardians of hell.
“Little Master Bai, please turn back,” one of the two men uttered in a deep and low voice.
“What’s the meaning of this?” YiHan shot back with a frown.
“Little Master Bai, please turn back,” the man repeated.
“Why?” YiHan’s hands were clenched into fists. “Is this JingYuan’s order? Does he want to imprison me?”
“Little Master Bai, please turn back,” the man robotically repeated.
YiHan took a step forward. The two men took a step backwards too.
“Little Master Bai, please turn back!” repeated the man once more. This time, his voice was lower and there was a hint of threat in it.
YiHan stopped. He stood there and stared into their eyes for a solid minute before his shoulders drooped and he turned to head back into the room he was assigned too. With a loud bang, the door was slammed shut behind him.
The two men at the door stood there in silence for a long while. Then, the man who’d spoken to YiHan gently patted the other man on the shoulder.
“Pan Wen, don’t be scared,” said the man in the same robotic voice he’d used with YiHan. “It’s fine now. He shouldn’t be back anytime soon.”
The other man immediately crumpled. He was caught by Wei Wu, the man beside him, who had been ready for Pan Wen’s reaction. Pan Wen leaned his head into Wei Wu’s shoulder.
“Waah, that was so scary!” meekly sobbed Pan Wen in a coarse, harsh voice. “He nearly walked right up to us!”
“I was scared too,” Wei Wu replied, voice still the same as before. “Thank goodness he didn’t continue pressing forward.”
“Aah,” Pan Wen continued sobbing, “Boss’s order is so tough! We can’t let him leave and we can’t touch him at all! Thankfully, Master Bai didn’t force his way through. If he insisted on leaving, what should we do? Do we hurt ourselves to scare him back?”
“The master said not to frighten him,” said Wei Wu.
“That means,” Pan Wen mewled, “we can’t even scare him off. We can only wait for death. Say, if he wants to leave again, do you think we can force him back by suddenly kneeling and begging?”
Wei Wu turned to Pan Wen and said, as monotone as ever, “You don’t need to do that. I’ll kneel.”
Pan Wen paused, shocked. He then slammed a punch into Wei Wu’s chest as his face blushed red.
“Oh, you’re so mean,” Pan Wen coyly responded. “You’re trying to sweet-talk me again…”
Wei Wu choked on his own breath from the impact of the other man’s “bashful” punch. He had to clear his throat a few times and let out a long exhale before he regained his normal, deep voice.
“It’s no sweet talk,” Wei Wu said. “I’m serious.”
Pan Wen leaned against Wei Wu with a face filled with bliss. “Alright,” he sweetly murmured. “I know what you mean. There’s no need to keep telling me. It’s quite embarrassing, you meanie~”
“Unfortunately,” Pan Wen continued with a sigh, “we’re on the job right now. We can’t go and do it. What a waste of a nice atmosphere.”
Wei Wu’s bronze skin was overtaken by a blush that made him glow. “T-T-Tonight, we’ll be changing shifts with Qin Ying and the others.”
“Oh, you beast,” Pan Wen demurely pouted, “you’re never satisfied. I feel like I’m being shattered to pieces with how you torment me.”
Wei Wu: “…”

---

YiHan threw himself onto the bed in his room. His hair was in a mess with how his hands kept ruffling and tugging at it. What was this? Imprisonment? Everything is out in the open now. Why did JingYuan still want to trap him in here?
YiHan wrecked all of the brain cells his tiny mind could gather to think hard about everything that had happened between him and JingYuan. The more he pondered, the more of a mess his thoughts were. He couldn’t even hash out a single clear train of thought. He desperately wanted to believe everything JingYuan had said but he was too scared of being disappointed again. It would push him off the cliff into the deep end of despair.
Hands wrapped around his head, he collapsed back on the bed.
“JingYuan,” he muttered, “JingYuan, why must you always give me hope? What if I truly believe you but you were fooling me once more? I would surely loathe you then.”

◄Previous • Index• Next►

148. Do You Still Love Me?

JingYuan looked at YiHan. The younger man didn’t look like he was feeling well.

“HanHan doesn’t need to go with me,” JingYuan hurriedly said. “Let him have a few days of rest.”

“You’re sick,” said FuRen. The tone in his voice brooked argument. “There’s no way we can let you go back alone. Anyway, HanHan’s worried about you. Even if he doesn’t go with you, he couldn’t rest easy. Why not let him follow you? He’d be much more at ease. If you’re really upset over his fatigue, then get better faster. Right. JingYuan, you still have a fever. You look very sickly. Go lie back down.”

JingYuan stood up and, with the help of YiHan’s support, wobbled his way up the stairs.

“Why did you say yes?” Ma asked in confusion. Her gaze followed the two young men’s figures as they ascended to their room. “There are more people here. It’d be much easier to take care of JingYuan. HanHan wouldn’t need to work so hard. When they’re back at JingYuan’s place, HanHan will be doing it all alone. How could he do it all by himself?”

FuRen sighed and replied, “XiaoRan, you must notice it too. There’s something off between them. I’ve noticed it before but it was all in the back of my head. Dr Zhou said HanHan was getting better and JingYuan said he truly loved HanHan, that he wanted to be married to HanHan. There was so much good news that I didn’t think anything bad about it. However, ever since JingYuan fell sick, the air between the two grew worse. Quarrels between lovers aren’t scary. What’s worth being afraid of is this kind of stiff awkwardness that doesn’t go away or intensify. JingYuan doesn’t have a weak body. If not for something in his mind weighing him down, this fever wouldn’t have dragged on for so long. Look at how JingYuan acted just now. He’s adamant on leaving. If he really left this home by himself, their relationship might turn sour. Why not let them both go? Without any outsiders, those two can fully focus on resolving whatever’s keeping them apart. They’re a couple. There’s nothing they can’t overcome. They just need to be honest and communicate.”

Ma sighed, “But HanHan, he…”

FuRen embraced her around the shoulders and said, “Don’t worry, dear. Do you not know how JingYuan treats HanHan? Even if they fight, the man won’t let our son suffer much.”

Ma nodded. “True. Ugh, these two kids make me worry so. Children really are a burden on their parents.”

FuRen gently patted her on the shoulder and softly said, “That’s why I chased them out. Let’s leave them to it! They’ll resolve this matter themselves!”

Ma couldn’t help but chuckle at that as she gave her husband the side-eye.

The night passed without another word spoken on the matter. On the next morning, Chen Hong rushed over the first thing he could. He hurriedly packed the two young men’s belongings into his car before waiting in the car.

JingYuan’s fever had died down that same morning. His forehead was still covered in a thin sheen of sweat as he walked down the stairs with YiHan’s hand firmly in his.

“Once you’re back home, remember to rest often,” Ma said, stepping up to the two as they walked off the stairwell. “Don’t worry too much about work. Rest well and take it easy. Only then can you get better faster.”

“Okay,” JingYuan replied with a smile. “Don’t worry, Aunt.”

Ma then turned to YiHan. As she gently smoothed out YiHan’s collar, she said, “HanHan, you’re an adult now. Don’t keep throwing childish temper tantrums. JingYuan’s still sick. You have to take good care of him and yourself. Don’t cave into your emotions.”

YiHan tugged his hand out of JingYuan’s to wrap his arms around his mother. “I know, Ma.”

JingYuan’s hand clenched around where warmth once was but he remained silent.

The couple then walked towards the car. Along the way, YiHan’s feet dragged across the ground as he kept sneaking glances back at his mother.

Beside him in the car, JingYuan whispered, “Do you not want to leave? I know. You’ve rarely left your home. You must not be used to it. Why don’t you stay? I’m fine going home by myself.”

YiHan turned to look at JingYuan. The man was as thin as a rake.

“It’s fine,” said YiHan, heart aching at the sight of his love. “I can’t stay there forever. I also can’t help but worry if you’re alone.”

JingYuan sighed. His fingers twitched as the urge to grab YiHan’s hand rose again, but his hands remained where they were. The journey to the Mu family home was spent in silence. The mansion was huge and very empty. Only a few servants were occupying the place. They kept the mansion clean. The entire place felt rather desolate.

JingYuan led YiHan to a room. “You’ll stay here for now,” he warmly said. “I’ve made a call last night. Everything in this room has been changed and refreshed according to your preference. What do you think? I’ll be staying next door. If you need anything, just call for me. You know Aunt Liu, the cook. If there’s anything you wish to eat, let her know. You’ve visited this place before. You should still remember where everything is. You must be tired, right? You didn’t sleep well last night and you woke up early this morning just to pack. You can take a nap first.”

YiHan didn’t step through the door JingYuan was holding open. The man turned around to look at the sickly man and asked, “Aren’t we sleeping together?”

JingYuan lifted a hand to ruffle YiHan’s hair and said, “How many times do I have to tell you? It’d be easier for me to pass this cold to you if we sleep together. Anyway, I’m always coughing at night. I’d be disturbing you. If you’re here alone, you can have a good night’s sleep. I’ve also had the servants work overnight to install a bell by your bed. It’s connected to my room. If there’s anything you need, use it to call for me.”

“Did you bring me here for a vacation?” YiHan asked. “What’s the difference between me staying home and staying here then?”

“HanHan,” JingYuan sighed, “listen to me. You look pale and you’ve grown thinner. You need proper rest.”

“I’m not a child!” YiHan huffed in frustration. “Listen? My face is pale because your fever just won’t go away. I’m worried! I’ll be fine once you are! If you sleep by yourself, who’d hand you water when you have a coughing fit?”

“It’s just a cup of water,” JingYuan calmly replied. “I can get it myself.”

“You can do anything by yourself, so what do you need me for?” YiHan questioned.

“I just can’t bear to see you suffer,” said JingYuan.

“And I can’t bear to see you sick,” YiHan said, pushing the man away from the room. “While you’re not bothered by coughing fits, hurry up and take a nap in your room. You didn’t sleep at all last night.”

JingYuan was shoved into his own room. Upon noticing the two’s entrance, Chen Hong swiftly finished packing away his boss’s belongings and stealthily left the room.

YiHan pushed JingYuan to sit on on the bed. He turned to search for a set of the older man’s sleepwear. He then brought the clothes back to JingYuan, intent on helping the sick man change into them.

JingYuan laid a hand over YiHan’s to stop the other’s movements. “I can change by myself. Go take a nap in your room.”

“I won’t. I’ll sleep here,” YiHan sulkily said. Having said that, he raised his hands once more to unbutton the other’s shirt.

JingYuan laid his hands over YiHan’s once more and sighed, “Behave, HanHan. Go on. I can change my clothes by myself.”

“There’s not a spot on you that I haven’t seen before,” YiHan pouted. “What’s there to be embarrassed about? Hurry up and get changed so you can sleep!”

YiHan then changed JingYuan out of his clothes and into his sleepwear. His actions brooked no arguments. YiHan didn’t spend an extra moment looking at the other’s body and his hands did their best to keep away from JingYuan’s skin. The change was swift.

“Now, sleep,” YiHan exhaled. “I’ll be playing with my phone on the couch.”

JingYuan reached out with a skinny arm and grabbed YiHan by the wrist. He had tried to hold the urge back but he failed.

“HanHan,” JingYuan blurted, “I don’t get it. Just what went wrong between the two of us? Why are we like this now? Can you tell me? If I did something to upset you, tell me. If you…you…If you’re regretting this, I…”

YiHan had been suppressing his emotions for a while now. The stress and JingYuan’s words made him burst out, “Can you stop thinking about all this rubbish all the time? How many times have I told you? It’s fine! I’m fine!”

JingYuan bitterly smiled. He’d already spoken up about it. Might as well just get to the core of the issue.

“Rubbish?” JingYuan softly said. “It’s been over a month. Your rejection of me is written all over your face. You wouldn’t be intimate with me. In this entire month, we’ve only done it once. You even… Every time I asked you, you said you’re fine. However, I can feel that you’re unhappy. You wouldn’t tell me anything though. We slowly drifted apart. Now, I’d have to think and hesitate for a long time before I even touch you. Before your family, we can maintain the facade. But once we’re in our room, you’d rarely even talk to me. Did you know, HanHan? I’ve thought about this for a long time. I wanted to much to force an answer out of you no matter the consequences. But I’m scared. I’m scared once I ask, we can’t even have this peaceful appearance. Until now, I’ve yet to muster the courage to even mention marriage again. We can’t keep going on like this. We can’t live out the rest of our lives distant from each other. HanHan, do you still want to live out the rest of your life with me?”

YiHan smacked himself hard on the head as he seethed, “JingYuan, you’re sick. Sick people love to think about all sorts of nonsense. Take a nap. Sleep well and recover soon. We can  talk about this once you’re all healed up, okay?”

JingYuan raised his voice. “Why are you always avoiding my question? You bought a place behind my back. What is your plan? HanHan, just what are you thinking? Must you torture me so? HanHan, do you still…love me?”

JingYuan’s continued questioning made YiHan’s will to suppress his anger crumble. “How dare you ask me! What about you? Do you have to courage to say you truly love me? I know you did a lot for me. I’m very grateful but I don’t want that kind of sacrifice anymore! I’m tired too!”

JingYuan was stunned. His grip around YiHan’s hand loosened. YiHan immediately tugged his wrist out of the other man’s hand, hard. JingYuan looked down at his empty palm.

“Just what do you mean?” JingYuan hoarsely shouted. “Why would you doubt my feelings for you? I love you! There’s no question about it. I can say that to you regardless of the time!”

YiHan had been beating himself up over letting his emotions overwhelm him to the point of letting his mouth slip. Upon hearing JingYuan talk back, YiHan decided to just let it all out.

“JingYuan,” YiHan said, “we’re already at this point. You don’t need to keep acting. I know you’re doing this for me but I’m fine now. I don’t need you, the ‘cure’, to save me!”

JingYuan shot to his feet. The sudden movement had his head spinning but he couldn’t be bothered to worry about it. Ignoring the dark spots blooming in his vision, he hurriedly stepped forward to YiHan.

“What are you babbling about?” yelped JingYuan.

“Babbling?” YiHan asked. “Mu JingYuan, do you have the guts to say everything we have right now isn’t all a lie? Of course, you all lied to me out of the kindness in your hearts. You want to save me, yeah? You’ve made a great ‘sacrifice’ in order to save me. You gave up on your engagement with my sister. You had to held in your disgust as you dated a man. You even had to act all lovey-dovey with me. You’ve gone to the extremes just for me. I know you’re good to me, but this ‘sacrifice’ is too much. It’s too heavy. It’s not something I can bear. Heh. You moan about how I won’t do it with you. Actually, what’s there for me to care about? I’ve done it with you plenty of times. What’s there to be prudish about? In our relationship, I am the one who has the upper hand. I am the one who has gained the most. I am being considerate here. I’m decreasing the burden so you don’t have to ‘sacrifice’ so much!”

JingYuan’s breaths were coming out in harsh pants now. His eyes were open wide as he roared, “Where did you hear all that? Who told you?”

◄Previous • Index• Next►

147. Moving Back

YiHan’s mouth opened and closed. He sadly rebuked, “Grandpa, you wouldn’t understand.” We can’t be true lovers. Everything has been a lie.

“I certainly don’t understand about what’s going on between you kids,” the old Mr Bai interrupted. “However, you should know just how JingYuan has treated you all this time. I can see it. He keeps trying to get close to you but you keep rejecting him. It’s just tragic. It hurts a lot. No matter how strong and powerful he is outside the house, the softest side of him has always been exposed to you. Every move you make, every word you say, they can hurt him. As a lover, you should protect the soft, weak part of him. You shouldn’t use your advantage to hurt him. Right? Mn. Of course, if he did something wrong and made my precious little one upset, he must be punished in some way or other!”

But JingYuan didn’t do anything wrong. Still, who should be blamed for their current situation? YiHan leaned his head against his grandfather’s shoulder. His head was a mess. When the agony that came from knowing the truth faded away and his heart slowly calmed, it wasn’t like he hadn’t doubted it. Those minuscule acts of love between JingYuan and him were too realistic. If JingYuan was merely pretending to be his lover, then the man had put in too much into his act. His actions, his gaze, those flirtatious lines filled to the brim with love and the passionate frenzy that occurred in their bed; were they all fake too? If the man only thought of him as a younger brother, how could the man act so natural while doing all those things?

When JingYuan spoke of their marriage, his eyes were glimmering bright like stars. When YiHan rejected him, he was as dejected as a big, fluffy dog that’d been abandoned by its owner. Did the man fake all those reactions?

YiHan could easily sway JingYuan’s focus, control his emotions. Was that something a “younger brother” can do? YiHan couldn’t resist thinking back to everything that had happened between them. He remembered clearly everything they’d done together, everything down to the most minute details. Every time he recalled those memories, he couldn’t help but think what he’d overheard that day was just a prank. Nevertheless, he knew what he heard was the truth. Ever since that day, his mother’s mood was noticeably brighter. She would be smiling day in, day out. His father was the same. Bai FuRen was visibly more carefree, more relaxed. YiHan knew it was all because he was going to be “better” soon.

Before, he was sent reeling in shock by the sudden arrival of a happy life that he completely gave up on his brain. It was never smart in the first place. When he found out about the truth, he’d spent several minutes going through his memories. Only then did he realise everything had been so easy that it felt deliberate. Now that he thought about it, those “happy times” that made him feel as if he was dreaming were probably all arranged for by his family. It was their “cure”.

The only person he couldn’t understand was JingYuan. His disappointment and bewilderment were too real. His overwhelming passion and love were too genuine. It was all so genuine that he couldn’t resist wanting to believe it. However, he didn’t dare. He was too afraid to trust it anymore. When he was freshly reborn, JingYuan’s attitude broke through all previous expectations. YiHan thought it was because he was a fool in his past life. He only looked at the surface and brushed past the one he loved in life. What he heard that day changed that perception once more. What he overheard cruelly told him the perfect love he had was just a lie, a trap. It was deception he couldn’t even get angry at.

JingYuan’s love for YiHan was as deep as the seas, so everyone said. But every time he heard that another knife stabbed into his heart. He wanted to believe in it. He didn’t have the courage to. If there’s no hope, there’ll be no disappointment. If he experienced disappointment once more, then he’d fall into a spiral of despair. Leaving everything awkwardly hanging in the air, unsaid, also made the both of them upset. He so dearly wished for an end to things between them. He didn’t care if that meant breaking up or getting married.

To be honest, he very much hoped what he overhead was just a misunderstanding. However, the chances of it being true were slim. It was so very slim that the tiny hope didn’t dare to shine bright or it’d be snuffed out. It was so slim that YiHan suppressed it and pushed it into the back of his mind.

“Give me some time,” YiHan faintly whispered to his grandfather. He was so lost and so tired. “Indeed, we can’t drag things on any longer.”

The old Mr Bai’s heart clenched hard at the sorrow he heard in YiHan’s voice. He gently patted YiHan’s back and replied, “Alright. Don’t be sad, my dearest. I won’t ask anymore. I’ll leave your matters to be resolved by you two. You’re an adult now, HanHan. You can take care of many issues by yourself. If there’s anything you don’t understand, you can come and ask me. Your grandmother and I have thrived together in happiness for years. I’m very experienced.”

YiHan wrapped his arms around his grandfather’s neck. “Okay.”

***

YiHan planned on having a discussion when JingYuan was fully recovered from his fever. He wanted to end it all quickly. Secretly, without telling anyone, he bought a place. He’d be moving out soon after everything. Perhaps he could ask someone to act with him to prove he’d fallen in love with someone else, just like what XueQing and JingYuan did when they broke off their engagement. He’d then move out with the excuse that he wanted some private time with his new partner. This was the best way to avoid letting anything slip as time went on. Everyone would be happy. No one would be troubled by it. However, XueQing’s love with TianYang was true whilst his would be fake. Even so, what did it matter as long as everyone was fine?

The plan, however, never really came to fruition anytime soon. Everyone said those who rarely get sick would suffer terribly when they do. Perhaps there was truth in that. JingYuan’s fever was so serious that the illness took as long to leave as someone unravelling a silk cocoon one strand at a time. After two whole weeks, the man was still sick. JingYuan grew as thin as a rake. His sensual collarbone now jutted out of his skin. It was a harsh sight to behold.

When it came to work, it was mostly done via Chen Hong. The man would send the important documents over to the Bai family home. Every day, JingYuan had to perk himself up for a video conference and ensure the company continued working as usual.

In the Bai family home.

“HanHan, is JingYuan still asleep?” Ma asked with a frown. She was lounging on the living room sofa with her husband and youngest son.

“Yes,” YiHan replied, a hand rising to massage his forehead. “He was coughing the whole night long. He only fell into a proper sleep at dawn. He’s still quite warm today.”

“We’ve been to all the major hospitals,” Ma sighed. “We’ve asked the family doctor to check on him again and again. JingYuan had his pills. He’d been injected with anti-inflammatory drugs. Why is he still not getting better? He’s going to wither into nothing but skin and bones soon.”

She then caressed her youngest son’s worried face. “You haven’t been sleeping well, have you? You’ve been taking care of him. Look at you. You’re also quite thin. Why don’t you go take a nap while he’s still asleep? If he wakes up, Aunt Yang and I can take care of him.”

“I’m fine,” said YiHan, smiling. “I’m not tired.”

“My son’s all grown up,” Ma lovingly chuckled. “He knows how to care for someone now.” Her gaze slowly wandered across the room and, upon sweeping by the staircase, froze. “JingYuan,” she exclaimed in surprise, “you’re up. How do you feel?”

JingYuan was standing on top of the stairwell. His face was a pasty white. His lips were equally as pale. He had put on his usual black collar shirt and black slacks before he left his room. That made him look even more sickly and thin. His slightly downcast eyes were staring straight at YiHan.

“I’m fine,” JingYuan replied to Ma, forcing a smile as he said so. “I’m much better now.”

“You say that every time. Are you hungry? Aunt Yang made some congee. Have a bowl,” Ma huffed.

JingYuan softly cleared his throat and slowly descended as he coarsely said, “It’s fine. I’m not hungry.”

FuRen who’d been keeping silent the entire time then frowned and spoke up, “Look at you. You’re sick. How can you not eat? How will you get better?”

YiHan rose to support JingYuan as the older man reached the bottom of the stairs. While JingYuan’s head was still drowsy from the fever, he still was conscious enough to not want to burden YiHan with his body weight. JingYuan merely used the chance to clamp down on the hand offered. The two walked back to the sofa YiHan had vacated. Even then, JingYuan wasn’t willing to let go. He kept a tight grip on YiHan’s hand and turned to FuRen.

“Maybe it’s because I just woke up,” said the man with a smile. “I truly don’t feel hungry at all. I’ll have some later.” The man had actually been awake for a while. He’d just been spacing out.

YiHan’s hand unwitting clenched around JingYuan’s.

The older man turned to him and asked, a happy little lilt in his voice, “What is it?”

“Nothing,” YiHan said, turning to look away.

JingYuan’s eyes lowered as he pursed his lips. He softly coughed and turned to YiHan’s parents. “Uncle, Aunt, I plan on moving back tomorrow.”

YiHan’s head shot back to look at JingYuan.

“Why do you want to move back all of a sudden?” Ma asked in shock. “There’ll only be you and your servants there. What are you going back for? Anyway, you’re sick. Who’d take care of you if you go?”

“I’m a big man,” said JingYuan with another smile. “It’s just a cold. I don’t need to be taken care of all the time. Anyway, I have a family doctor and some servants over there. They can check in on my once in a while.”

Ma glanced at the upset expression on her youngest son’s face and gently replied, “Everything’s going well here. What made you think of moving back and now of all times?”

“It’s not really easy for Chen Hong to come here every day,” said JingYuan. “It’s also a bother. If Anyway, I’m always coughing through the night. HanHan is a light sleeper and he’s so close to me all the time that I’m worried I’d pass the cold onto him. I’ve asked him to sleep in his own room for a good night’s sleep but he refused. I’m now too afraid to cough at night but I can’t even hold them in. He has been disturbed by my coughs so often that he’s so much thinner now. His body is frail. It can’t handle going through this any longer. I want to head home. Once I’m better and if…HanHan wishes for it, I’ll move back here.”

There was a moment of silence before FuRen suddenly asked, “Did you two fight?”

JingYuan reflexively tightened his grip around YiHan’s hand. He remained silent. He couldn’t say no.

“Of course not,” YiHan rebuked with a strained smile. “We’re fine. He didn’t discuss this with me either about wanting to move back.”

“There’s nothing strange about a couple fighting. Something has been off between you two lately. If JingYuan truly wants to move back home, YiHan can follow along to take care of him. JingYuan cannot go back alone. You’re both adults. We might be your elders but we can’t help you when it comes to relationships. You two communicate and resolve your issues,” said FuRen. “Alright, YiHan. You don’t need to explain anything. Your father’s not a fool.”

◄Previous • Index• Next►

146. He’s Sick

YiHan quietly panicked. He thought back to how he’d been behaving for the past 2 weeks. How could he say he didn’t do all that without the slightest urge for revenge? He deliberately refused JingYuan’s marriage proposal. The reason he gave was awkward and ridiculous. He intentionally avoided JingYuan’s touch and wouldn’t go to JingYuan’s office with the man. He could handle watching JingYuan get disappointed. He told himself he was going to set JingYuan free but the sight of JingYuan’s drooped shoulders sparked off some glee deep within his mean heart. Did fYiHan not love JingYuan as much as he thought he did?

JingYuan did all of this for him. While the man lied to him, the man sacrificed a lot too. What right did he have to “revenge”? He really was that selfish Bai YiHan from his last life. Even when he’d been taught lesson after lesson and was given a brand new chance, he was still unable to change his innate nature.

“HanHan, just what is it?” JingYuan worriedly asked upon not receiving an answer from YiHan. “Can you tell me? What happened? We can resolve it together.”

YiHan absolutely could not tell JingYuan. If he spoke up, everyone would feel awkward. Was there a need for that?

YiHan sighed and pushed JingYuan back down on the bed. He tucked the older man in and gently replied, “Nothing happened. Don’t think too deep into it. You’ve been standing outside for so long that the chill has set into your bones. I’ll pour you a cup of hot water. Once you finish the glass, rest up. Don’t catch a cold.”

YiHan got out of bed to get him a mug of hot water. As JingYuan watched YiHan walk back to the bed and stand by it, holding out the cup, all JingYuan could feel was a ball of frustration get stuck in his chest. It wouldn’t burst out of his mouth nor would it settle down. It felt so uncomfortable.

The older man finished the water in the mug and laid back into his pillow. His eyes slid close. The bed dipped slightly as YiHan climbed into bed too and laid down beside him.

“Sleep,” YiHan whispered, laying a hand against JingYuan’s forehead to check his temperature. “Don’t think of all that nonsense. You have work tomorrow.”

JingYuan’s eyes remained close as his hand shot up and grabbed YiHan’s retreating hand. He pulled it to rest on his chest, right above his heart. Not a word was spoken.

When YiHan woke up on the next morning, JingYuan, who was usually up by then, was still asleep. His brows were locked together. He didn’t seem to have slept well. Their linked hands were still placed on top of JingYuan’s heart, as they were when they fell asleep last night. YiHan sighed. How could the man have slept well with a weight pressing down on his heart?

YiHan tried to pull his hand out but JingYuan’s grip tightened instead. Helpless, YiHan could only lay back down in the same position as he woke up in. Time slowly ticked past but JingYuan showed no signs of waking up any time soon. The bed was also getting rather hot. It wasn’t early morning anymore. The Mu Group office building was rather far from the old Mr Bai’s house. Even if JingYuan woke up now, he’d still arrive late at the office.

YiHan gently shook the sleeping man. “JingYuan, wake up. It’s getting late.”

YiHan shook and shook but JingYuan remained asleep. YiHan’s heart sank. He shook JingYuan with all his might and shouted, “JingYuan, wake up!”

The man merely frowned harder. He still didn’t wake up.

YiHan couldn’t hold back any longer. He forcefully tugged his hand out of JingYuan’s grip and got up, wanting to call for some help. However, the moment YiHan pulled his hand away, JingYuan’s eyes shot open. They were bloodshot. The man’s hand hurriedly began groping around until he found YiHan’s wrist. When he had YiHan’s hand in his once more, the man let out a sigh of relief.

“What time is it?” JingYuan rasped.

YiHan placed a hand against JingYuan’s forehead. “JingYuan, you’re burning up!” he gasped. “I’ll go call for the doctor now.”

YiHan was about to leave the bed when JingYuan pulled him back. “No need to make a big fuss,” JingYuan hoarsely said. “I feel fine. I’ll be okay after I take some medicine for it.” He turned around to glance at the clock. “Ah. I’m late. This place is quite far from the office.”

“No way!” YiHan shouted in anger. “How could you act so nonchalant about your own health? Your forehead is as hot as can be. How can you go to work?”

“But there’s a lot of important things I have to attend to today,” JingYuan said.

YiHan didn’t have it in his heart to pull his hand away from JingYuan’s grip again. “When do you ever not have important arrangements? You still stayed at home day after day before we came here.”

“That was to be with you,” said JingYuan with a straight face. “How can it be the same?”

“What kind of logic is that?” YiHan glared at the man with wide eyes. “You being with me is just hanging out with me. There was nothing to be done but you took a day off just because you wanted to. You even told me, ‘I’ve paid for so many workers. I don’t need to do everything myself’. Now that you’re sick, you still want to go to work? Do you not know how to prioritise?”

“Of course I know what’s important and what’s not,” JingYuan said. His face blatantly told YiHan the man thought he was throwing a tantrum again. “This is not some serious fever. How can I delay work for it?”

YiHan was shocked at how unphased the man was. His voice couldn’t help but grow louder as he asked, “So hanging out with me is worth delaying work for?”

“Of course,” JingYuan glumly replied. “You still liked hanging out with me, fooling around with me, back then. Right. Do you want to go with me to the office today?” As he said so, the man pushed himself upright with a hand against the bed.

It was only then did JingYuan realise he’d been holding YiHan’s wrist hostage the entire time. He hurriedly checked it over. He only let it go when not a single bruise or mark was found.

JingYuan was about to put his slippers on and stand up from the bed when YiHan grabbed him by the back of his shirt. A tug from YiHan was enough to send JingYuan hurling back onto the bed. The man’s head was throbbing before his fall. After the fall, his head began spinning as his vision went black.

YiHan’s two hands held on tight to JingYuan’s scalding face as he darkly said, “Since my mood is so important to you, I’ll tell you right now that I’m not happy. I want you to stay at home with me.”

The spots in JingYuan’s eyes were dispersing as his brains slowly processed through YiHan’s words. Once the words clicked in his mind, his headache suddenly didn’t feel as bad as he thought.

“Okay,” JingYuan said, eyes gently gazing at YiHan. “I’ll stay home with you.”

The older man’s eyes were teary and hazy due to his fever. The sight made YiHan’s heart clench in agony. He couldn’t help but dip his head down, wanting to kiss the other. However, just as their lips were about to meet, he stopped. All of a sudden, an awkward silence dominated the room.

JingYuan smiled and poked YiHan, softly pushing the younger man away. “Don’t get so close to me. You might get sick too.”

YiHan’s hands clenched at the blanket. Then, he stood up and went downstairs to call for the family doctor using the house phone. He then headed back upstairs to help JingYuan lower his temperature via wet cloths. He was bustling to and fro until Dr Chen’s arrival. The doctor came and gave JingYuan some fever medication. He also hooked JingYuan up to an IV saline infusion. Perhaps the pain-relieving properties of the drug had sedative effects. The man also didn’t sleep well the night before. Soon after Dr Chen’s visit, JingYuan fell into a deep sleep once again.

YiHan dazedly stared at the saline solution in the IV drip before his eyes slowly turned to JingYuan’s face. A few moments later, he stepped forward and tucked the man in. He then left the room and headed downstairs.

Ma Bai spotted YiHan as he descended down the stairs. “How is JingYuan doing?” she worriedly asked.

“He only caught a cold,” YiHan replied. “It should be alright. He’s already asleep.”

“JingYuan’s body has always been a strong one, why did he fall sick out of the blue?” she sighed. “He was doing fine yesterday.”

YiHan pursed his lips and paused for a second before replying, “Perhaps after his shower last night, he got sick while enjoying the breeze.”

“Why was that child so careless?” Ma sighed again. “You too. Why didn’t you remind him? HanHan, love is a two-way street. It can’t just be him being concerned for you, him taking care of you. You have to care for him and worry for him too. No matter how strong one is to the outside world, he’ll always need a lover’s care.”

YiHan kept silent and nodded.

“HanHan’s an adult now,” the old Mr Bai said. “I’m sure he understands these concepts. There’s no need to go on about it. Those who should be heading back, go. HanHan will be staying to take care of JingYuan. Even if you guys stay here, you can’t help with anything.”

Once the rest of YiHan’s family had left the manor, the old Mr Bai patted the seat beside him and called out with a benevolent smile, “HanHan, come and sit beside Grandpa.”

The old Mr Bai then waited until YiHan sat down before asking him with a smile, eyes glancing up the stairs, “HanHan, tell me. Are you and JingYuan fighting?”

YiHan was stunned. “No,” he hurriedly said. “Why do you think that?”

“Your grandfather has been through all this before,” the old Mr Bai chuckled. “Ever since your arrival yesterday, I’ve been observing the couples in this family. Your brother and sister are doing alright with their partners, but you and JingYuan… Hm, how shall I say this? You look fine on the surface but you two…” He then pointed at his own eyes and laughed, “Your eyes never met even once. JingYuan was acting normal but I could see he wasn’t in a great mood. And then there’s you, my dearest little one. You weren’t happy either. I knew you two must’ve argued. Back when your grandmother was around, we acted the same way too. When everything was going fine, we were as sweet as honey to each other. When we’re angry, dark clouds would loom over our heads. I’m very familiar with such a situation.”

“Is it that,” YiHan stiffly asked, “obvious?”

The old Mr Bai gave another chuckle and patted YiHan on the hand. “Of course it’s obvious. You might look like a smart kid but you’re actually quite straightforward and frank. You don’t know how to act at all. Your parents are careless people. I won’t even speak of your brother. He’s just a walking plank of wood. He’s lucky Jiang Hua’s eyes weren’t that good. It’s the only reason he could get a boyfriend. Your sister’s an observant girl but her heart is now always hanging onto Chen TianYang. The only reason they didn’t notice was that each one of them was foolishly oblivious. Your grandfather might be getting on in age but my eyes are still fine. I could instantly tell you two were upset with each other. Right, little one?”

YiHan bit his lip and said nothing.

The old Mr Bai tilted his head as he looked at YiHan. “A couple can fight but they cannot wage a cold war. This would hurt your love and your bodies. Look at JingYuan. As your mother said, his health had always been the best. Why did he get sick so easily?”

The hands laying on YiHan’s knees balled up into fists.

“There’s a saying among traditional Chinese medicine practitioners,” the old Mr Bai continued. “The fire in one’s heart is the source of all illnesses. He’s feeling down on the inside. The pressure building up in his heart had been whirling in him. Just one little prod is enough to make him crumble. Last night’s ‘cold’ was that tiny push. JingYuan’s an adult. His parents passed away early. He’s much more mature than most kids. How could he not know to take care of himself? If not for his preoccupied mind, why would he run out and enjoy the breeze just after a shower? HanHan, no matter what arguments happen between you two, you can’t ignore your bodies. He’s sick now yet you’re the one who hurts most on the inside. Yes?”

The old Mr Bai paused and observed the emotions on YiHan’s face before saying, “Back when your grandmother was around, I’d be the one apologising first every time we fought. Think. How could someone be forever in the wrong? This is a compromise between a couple. Someone must take a step back and apologise before your happy lives can continue on. Your grandmother had an explosive and impulsive temper. She was also thin-skinned. I love her so what’s wrong with compromising a little? She knew I backed down as a compromise. Every time I did so, she’d treat me even better than before. Just as your mother said, love is a two-way street. As a man, isn’t it normal to compromise so your partner won’t be upset? It’s the same logic. HanHan, as you were growing up, it’d been JingYuan doting on you, loving you, letting you win. Now that you’re an adult, what’s wrong with backing down for once?”

Translator’s Notes:

Pain-relieving properties…sedative effects: The actual translation here is “perhaps there are sedative components to the drug”. However, that’s largely untrue for drugs used for fevers. The drowsiness is due to the pain relief properties (analgesic). Drugs prescribed for fever are rarely classified as “sedatives”.

◄Previous • Index• Next►

145. Lover’s Intuition

Qi MingYang’s smile dimmed as he reached out and shook JingYuan’s hand. “Long time no see,” he replied. “You look well, Mr Mu. Did something happy occur lately? Should I be congratulating you?”

JingYuan’s smile didn’t reach his eyes as he answered, “Nothing worth congratulating. I’m just content with my life. Unlike you, Mr Qi. You’ve recently won the proposal for a major city project. You’re in the prime of your life and so early on too.”

“It’s just a little bit of income,” Qi MingYang chuckled. “Nothing worthy of Mr Mu’s attention.”

YiHan looked on in confusion as the two men fought with barbed tongues. From what he understood of JingYuan’s character, the way he was acting was how he would act when protecting his territory. YiHan frowned as he gave Qi MingYang a suspicious look. This man might be rather petty and he wasn’t one YiHan can be close friends with, but they were only politely exchanging greetings. There was no need for JingYuan to be so wary, right?

YiHan looked at JingYuan’s steely eyes and the hand clutching tight on YiHan’s arm behind the man’s back. He let out a sigh internally. JingYuan truly did care for him. There was no doubting that. Unfortunately, this was not love.

YiHan twisted his head to look at his sister, XueQing, standing beside TianYang. They were chatting and laughing together in a conversation with someone else. The looks the two exchanged were filled to the brim with love. That wasn’t something that could be faked. YiHan let out a breath he’d been subconsciously holding in. Thank goodness. After two weeks of close analysis and observation, he’d concluded the couple’s love must be real.

YiHan was spacing out when a light pat to his shoulder shook him out of his thoughts. He turned around and found Yan Pei standing behind him. She had a striking white dress on that seemed so youthful that it danced along to her natural liveliness. Her hair was tied up in a high ponytail. She looked so energetic.

Pei smiled as her eyes glanced at JingYuan before she sprawled across YiHan’s shoulders to whisper in the man’s ear, “Is your Mr Mu jealous? Look at how stern he looks. I can feel chills running down my spine.”

YiHan awkwardly smiled and replied, “He’s not. Don’t jest. Why are you here?”

Pei pinched her lips and twisted them to a side, gesturing to the two men in the distance. “My big brother and Zhang-ge are over there,” she said. “I only spoke with Zhang-ge for a while before my big brother got tired of me and chased me off. I’m here to play with you.”

As Pei spoke, she suddenly felt a chilly breeze breathe down on her neck. A shudder ran through her body. She looked up and around before her eyes squarely met JingYuan’s dark eyes. The man was coldly staring at the arm she’d draped across YiHan’s shoulders. Years of experience in fighting with her big brother made Pei remove her arm in a flash. She then stepped away from Yihan, an arm’s length away to be exact.

“Mr Mu,” she greeted with a stiff smile.

It was only after Pei’s series of actions did JingYuan’s expression warmed up. He pulled YiHan closer to himself as he let out a short hum in response to the girl’s greeting.

“Miss Yan,” he said with a smile, “here for YiHan?”

Pei let out the breath she’d been holding in. As she complained and griped in her thoughts about this “petty little man”, she answered, “Yes. It’s been a long time since we’ve last seen each other.”

JingYuan looked down at YiHan and gently said, “If you’re bored, you can go hang out and play with Miss Yan. Remember to come looking for me later.”

YiHan hummed in an affirmative response. Pei pursed her lips. JingYuan was just like her brother. They’re both kings of face-changing. However, this man’s winter and spring moods swapped quicker than her brother’s. Look at how tender the man was speaking. It felt as tender as a young, ripe fruit.

YiHan took a step towards Pei but he couldn’t move any more than that. He looked down and saw the tight grip JingYuan still had on his arm.

“JingYuan,” YiHan reminded, patting the other man’s hand.

The older man blinked, stunned for a moment, before slowly letting go of YiHan’s arm. As he watched YiHan and Pei walk further and further away from him, his face morphed into an ugly look. That Yan Pei was walking closer and closer to his HanHan!

Pei was walking when she felt that spine-chilling sensation return. She snuck a glance behind her to find, as she expected, JingYuan glaring darkly at her. She let out a helpless sigh and silently stepped sideways, away from YiHan. Just as she thought, that feeling lessened. Hmph. Why was this Mu JingYuan so protective over his prey? He was even more prone to jealousy than her big brother!

The day soon passed in lively cheer. The servants were left to clean up after what remained of the party as the Bai family and JingYuan went back to their rooms to rest. JingYuan sat on the bed as his eyes bored into the bathroom door. His thin lips were pursed tightly together. His mind was off wandering, thinking about who-knew-what.

Soon, the bathroom door opened and out walked YiHan, all wrapped up in his sleepwear.

“Did I keep you waiting for long?” YiHan asked with a smile. “Head on in and wash up.”

JingYuan stood up and walked over to Yihan. He leaned down and lightly pecked YiHan on the forehead.

“Are you tired?” JingYuan warmly asked. “I’ll help you blow your hair dry so you can sleep first.”

YiHan took a step back. His smile was still present as he replied, “It’s fine. You must be tired too. Go shower so you can sleep too. I can dry my own hair.” As he said so, he walked around JingYuan to the hairdryer.

JingYuan’s eyes darkened. He stood there for a long silent moment before he eventually entered the bathroom.

By the time JingYuan was done with his shower, YiHan was already done drying his hair and had curled up in his blanket. The younger man seemed to have fallen asleep.

JingYuan softly caressed YiHan on the cheek. He sighed and turned off most of the lights in the room, leaving a dim little wall lamp on. He picked up a box of cigarettes and walked out onto the balcony. He made sure to close the balcony doors tight before he lit up a cigarette. He leaned against the balcony railing, letting the night wind blow his damp hair dry. His black eyes were hazy as they stared at the smoke. He stood there, dazedly staring up at the night sky. The night was calm and quiet but there was a whirlwind raging on in his heart. The uneasiness in him grew stronger and stronger. It all felt like he was trying to hold onto a handful of sand in his palm. The more he panicked, the harder he gripped. The harder his grip, the faster the sand slipped out of his hand. His heart knew this would only lead to two empty hands. His efforts would be futile but all he could do was try and make the sand stay. It made him feel so scared and powerless. However, YiHan and the rest of the Bai family all acted so naturally. There was nothing off about them. So why was his heart panicking? Was this all just some spoiled part of him bleating in delusion?

It was now Autumn. The weather has turned colder. The western districts were near a mountain. The night breeze was chilly yet he didn’t feel cold at all. He continued smoking on the balcony, dressed in only a bathrobe. The glass ashtray was already filled with a mountain of cigarette butts, but JingYuan’s mind was still a mess.

YiHan laid in bed for a long while but JingYuan still wouldn’t get in bed. He didn’t hear the door open or close just now so the man must still be in the room. Where did the man go? Without JingYuan by his side, there was no way YiHan could fall asleep. That was rather frustrating too. When JingYuan returned to his “normal” life, YiHan would have to rely on drugs for sleep in the future.

He waited and waited until, finally, he couldn’t hold the curiosity in anymore. He opened his eyes. There was no one in the room. He slid his feet into his slippers and he searched the room. He couldn’t even find a single hair of the man. Did JingYuan leave?

He was about to leave the room when, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a glowing ember flickering beyond the balcony doors. He walked closer to those doors.

“JingYuan?” YiHan called.

The glowing spot paused and was soon extinguished. JingYuan pulled open the doors and entered the room, bringing with him a chilly breeze tainted with the stench of tobacco. The man swiftly turned and closed the door behind him.

“Why are you up?” JingYuan asked. “Did I wake you up?”

“Why were you smoking outside with only a bathrobe one?” YiHan answered with a frown.

YiHan took a step forward, wanting to feel JingYuan’s hands when the taller man retreated as well.

“Don’t touch me, HanHan,” JingYuan whispered. “My skin’s cold. Hurry back to bed. You must’ve just woken up. Don’t catch a cold.”

Looking up at the man’s pale lips, YiHan felt his heart ache. He persisted in getting closer to the man. Helpless and cornered, JingYuan could only keep walking backwards until his back hit the wall. There was nowhere to run now.

“HanHan, don’t fool around,” JingYuan finally sighed. “It’s really cold.”

“You know it’s cold too?” YiHan said, seething with anger. “And you still went outside and let the wind blow all over you?”

YiHan’s hands patted JingYuan’s arms, his hands, and all the spots of skin he could reach. Everywhere he touched was icy cold. He hurried grabbed JingYuan’s chilly hands and dragged the man to the bed. He tugged and pushed the older man into bed and covered him with the blanket. After some thought, YiHan burrowed into the blanket as well. He thought it’d be faster to warm the man up with his body head, but then JingYuan stopped with a hand pressing against YiHan’s shoulder.

“Behave, HanHan,” JingYuan softly said. “Don’t play around. You’ll really catch a cold.”

“I’m not made of paper nor am I held together by glue,” YiHan said, letting out a bitter smile. “I won’t catch a cold just because of this. That’d be you. Why don’t you tell me just what has made you stay outside smoking the night away instead of sleeping? You’re not addicted or drawn to tobacco at all.”

JingYuan bit his lip and kept quiet.

“Is there something bothering you?” Yihan lowly asked. “I know I’m useless. You…”

“Don’t say that,” JingYuan hurriedly interrupted. “HanHan, to me, you’re the best.”

YiHan was silent for a moment before softly asking, “The best?” The best brother, right? However, he should be satisfied. It was YiHan who was too greedy.

JingYuan thought his reluctance had upset his lover. He paused in consideration before finally asking, “HanHan, be honest with me. Have I angered you lately?”

“No,” said YiHan. “Why would you think that?”

“Then why…” JingYuan started.

“Hm?” YiHan looked at the other man in bemusement.

JingYuan closed his eyes. The hand pressing against YiHan’s shoulder pushed the younger man on the bed as JingYuan leaned closer and closer…

Just as their lips were about to touch, YiHan turned his face away.

JingYuan let out a defeated sigh. He dropped his head into YiHan’s shoulder as he said, “You reject being intimate with me. You reject my kisses. HanHan, do you…regret being with me? Is that it?”

YiHan froze for a second before he forced a smile and answered, “No. Don’t think about all that nonsense.”

JingYuan looked up at his lover’s face as he lifted a hand to it. His eyes were filled with sorrow as he said, “HanHan, the way you’ve treated me has changed. You act normal most of the time and you’re always concerned for me. I can still feel your love for me but your attitude has changed. This is my intuition as a lover. It can’t be wrong.” JingYuan’s voice was soft as a feather yet rang with a hint of helplessness and hurt. “You wouldn’t marry me. You refuse to be near me. HanHan, I…I’m terrified. I want our relationship to be based on honesty. If you don’t love me anymore, if you don’t want to be with me anymore, just tell me. Please?” But I won’t say yes to it.

When YiHan heard JingYuan mention the word “honesty”, he couldn’t help but blurt out, “And you? Have you been honest?”

JingYuan was shocked. He raised his body higher and straighter as he asked, “HanHan, you… Is there some misunderstanding? I didn’t lie to you about anything?”

YiHan rather regretted how his mouth has spoken before his mind had caught up to it. On the inside, he sighed. Ah, so he wasn’t as content and okay with it as he thought. His heart still bore a grudge. Contrary to his previous line of thought, he couldn’t happily go along with the “cure” his family had planned out for him. He couldn’t just act out the role required of him and quietly leave.

Translator’s Notes:

Major city project: The words used here indicate a project that’s related to either something that’ll surround the city (like its walls or roads) or recycling. As there was no more information given, this part has been kept vague.

Prime of your life and so early on too: The idiom used here loosely translates to “being proud because of achieving one’s wish at the start of one’s career”. Literally, it’s “the proud spring breeze”.

Tender as a young, ripe fruit: The idiom/phrase here is “able to squeeze juice/water out” (as if it was a piece of ripe and tender fruit).

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144. Birthday Banquet

YiHan didn’t dodge JingYuan’s hand this time around. However, he didn’t do anything either. His wrist laid limply in JingYuan’s grip.

Deep down, JingYuan gave a self-mocking smirk. When did he turn into a girl, self-absorbed and always fussing over the most minute of things? HanHan loved him. Didn’t he confirm it long ago? There was nothing to be uneasy about. This was his HanHan. They’d be getting married soon.

At the thought of marriage, JingYuan’s eyes darkened. His HanHan didn’t want to be married to him this quickly. HanHan said it was because they were still young. There was no need for them to get married this quickly. They were together now and they had the Bai family’s recognition. Getting married would change nothing so why be so obsessed with a piece of paper?

HanHan was still a young man. It was understandable he didn’t want to be locked down by marriage this early on. However, JingYuan was still very disappointed with his proposal’s failure. He savoured the feel of the smooth skin in his grip. He should be more patient. He should give HanHan a little more time. It’s not too late to get married later when HanHan had enough fun. They’d get married sooner or later.

JingYuan looked up at the other people in the room. No one noticed YiHan’s weird behaviour. They were all happily chatting away. Perhaps he was overthinking things.

The old Mr Bai was ecstatic. He had such fun chatting with YiHan that his guffaws rang out loud and clear around the group. He looked so much younger than he was moments before. He always cautioned his son and grandson to not dote on YiHan too much. They might spoil him rotten and turn him into an arrogant brat. However, he himself was the one who doted most on YiHan. His reason was that he rarely got to spend time with YiHan. Must he use up all of his hard-earned opportunities to scold and lecture his youngest grandson? Naturally, YiHan’s education should be left to his parents and siblings. He’s just the grandfather. He was only responsible for spoiling YiHan.

Before today’s meeting with his grandfather, YiHan was on the edge of his seat with nervousness. His heart was wrecked by a stormy mixture of guilt, grief and regret. Now that he was faced with a healthy and hale grandfather, he realised the only emotions left was gratitude. He once again thanked the gods and the heaven for bringing him back, for giving him the chance to be reborn and atone for his crimes. He only hoped that Grandfather could live to a ripe old age in this lifetime, that he could be a happy old kid and not have to worry for his descendants.

When the old Mr Bai was done catching up with YiHan, he turned to Yan, smile still bright on his face. “Yan, why didn’t you bring Jiang Hua with you? Didn’t you say he’s yours now? You weren’t exaggerating, were you?”

“Grandfather,” Yan replied, exasperation clear in his voice, “there’s work to do still. He can only come tomorrow.”

The old Mr Bai glared at his eldest grandson as he said, “Oh, how very grand of you. Are you bullying him? Did you push all of your work on him? A word of advice, Yan. Lovers, no matter their gender, are meant to be doted on. You’ve got to spoil him, care for him. This is not some mission or quest you can complete with a simple ‘I love you’ and a gift. Alright? You’ve got to show it in the small things in life. Make him feel the warm glow of love to the point where he can’t live without you. Only then will he settle down with you for the rest of his life. You’re an awkward young man already. You don’t have a single romantic bone in you. If you don’t know how to spoil him, then be prepared to be a lonely old dog!”

Okay, fine. Goodness, his grandfather even knew what the “lonely old dog” meme was. Yan sighed, “No, Grandfather. Why would I bully him? How about this? I’ll call him now and ask him to come over. Hm?”

Upon hearing Yan’s reply, the old Mr Bai was so angry that his eyebrows formed a giant V. “And you still say you’re not bullying him? What do you think he is? Some subordinate you can summon and dismiss at will? You must understand his role has been switched. He’s now your lover! Boyfriend! You must listen to him, obey him! You’re so useless!”

“Teach me then.” Yan felt like he’d just been shot in the head. “What should I do?”

“Why are you so dumb?” the old Mr Bai sighed in disdain. “Don’t you even know how to show your concern for someone else? There’s no way he can come here at this time. Go call him and ask if he’d eaten dinner. What did he eat? How did he feel today? It’s getting cold lately. Had he put on extra layers? Do I need to teach you that? There’s no hope for you. Jiang Hua is such a poor, unlucky man. How did he end up with a man like you? If your grandmother were here, she’d be scolding and poking you non-stop until you’re bruised all over!”

“Grandfather,” Yan helplessly replied, “he’s an adult. He’s survived on his own for years. Does he really need someone to remind him to put on more layers on cold days?”

The old Mr Bai turned to YiHan and said, “YiHan, look at your big brother. Look at that dense loggerhead. It’s Jiang Hua’s business whether or not they put on extra layers. It’s Yan’s business whether or not you ask or get concerned over him! This is the difference between being a lonely old dog and someone with a lover! If we go by his logic, Jiang Hua can think things through by himself, he can work things out all by himself. What does he need you for then? Does he lack a precious baby to serve? Aargh, he pisses me off! YiHan, if I was as stupid as he is back when I was chasing after your grandmother, she wouldn’t even spare me a glance! Winter was so cold back then but I still ran all the way over to your grandmother’s place with hot buns and soy milk. When the buns and soy milk arrived in her hands, they were still warm! Your grandmother was so touched! Well, your grandmother was an adult too back then. Wouldn’t she have bought the buns and soy milk herself if she wanted them? Hm? She was moved because of the intentions behind my run over! After we were married, she told me the best buns she’d ever tasted in her whole life were those buns I brought to her!”

“You’re so amazing, Grandfather!” YiHan replied with a grin. “Because you were truly in love with Grandmother, your heart naturally took notice and care of every single aspect in life. She could see it. Of course she was touched. Actually, when I was a little kid, she once told me the best decision she’d ever made in her life was marrying you.”

The old Mr Bai could feel his pride inflating with every word of praise that came from his dearest grandson’s mouth but when he heard the last sentence, his grin was so wide that it stretched across his face.

“Really?” asked the old Mr Bai. “She really said that to you? Why did she never tell me that before? She must’ve been too shy. Oh, YiHan, did you know? Your grandmother might’ve looked super strong and powerful but she’s so gentle and kind and warm to me. She’s…”

Yan glanced at his little brother in gratitude as their grandfather rambled on about their grandmother. The old Mr Bai would always go on and on about his wife whenever she’s mentioned. Yan then exchanged exasperated looks with his father before quietly slipping out of the room.

The old Mr Bai’s sharp eyes caught Yan’s actions and he immediately barked out, “Where are you going?”

Yan turned around and waved his phone at his grandfather, showing it to him. “I’m going to call Hua,” Yan said with a smile. “To, erm, ask after him.”

The old Mr Bai shot Yan a look that read “you finally get it”.

“That’s right,” said the old Mr Bai. “Go on. Spend a while longer talking to him.”

The next day, the guests flocked over. The crowds were as thick as clumps of clouds. It was the old Mr Bai’s seventy-seventh birthday. Everyone who’s anyone in the city was there. Jiang Hua arrived as early as he could. When the old Mr Bai saw him, he gleefully pulled the man over to his side. They chatted for a long while before Hua was set free to roam around. When Hua finally was done talking to the old Mr Bai, he saw YiHan waving at him.

“YiHan,” Hua greeted as he walked over to the younger man. “Where’s JingYuan?”

The smile on YiHan’s face froze for a second before it regained its liveliness. “He’s over there,” said YiHan, pointing to JingYuan who was surrounded by a crowd of people. “You? How have you been?”

Hua smiled back. The smile he had on made his gentle face seemed exceedingly warm and kind.

“I’m good,” replied Hua.

“Mn. I think you must be too,” YiHan said, holding back a little snicker as he said so. “My brother’s not romantic at all but at least his heart is true. He’d been trying for a few days to buy your place over from me. However, I didn’t say yes. Whenever you have the time, let’s get the paperwork done so the place can be transferred back to you. That’ll show him!”

“If he likes it, then give it to him,” Hua laughed.

“That won’t do,” YiHan replied. “He doesn’t need another place. He just wants it because you decorated it yourself. I’m not going to give it to him. Anyway, has he been over to your place yet? Did you let him stay in my room?”

“No, no,” Hua hurried said. “I never let anyone else step a foot in your room.”

“Based on how devoted you are to him, you wouldn’t have the heart to make him sleep on the couch,” YiHan chuckled. “Then he must have…”

Hua’s fair cheeks immediately went a rosy red. “YiHan!” he said in mock rage. “You set me up!”

YiHan continued laughing as he said, “I was wondering why my brother seemed to be glowing lately. I see. It’s because he caught up to you.”

The blush on Hua’s cheeks intensified. He shot YiHan a glare and turned to leave.

YiHan quickly scrambled forward to pull the man back. “Okay. Don’t be mad, please?” he begged. “I was just fooling around. This is good actually. My brother even told our parents he will definitely marry you in the future.”

Hua looked up at Yan. The other man was standing not far away from the duo. Hua’s face softened.

“My grandfather has been telling you bad things about my brother, hasn’t he?” YiHan continued. “The older he gets, the more he acts like a child.”

Hua let out another bright smile as he warmly replied, “Your grandfather is a good man. Yan might seem strong but he’s really quite dumb and oblivious, said the old Mr Bai. He asked me not to hate on Yan for that.” Hua turned around to look back at YiHan. “You’re so very lucky and you must be very happy to have such a great family, YiHan.”

YiHan smiled back at Hua. He looked up at the clouds floating by and softly said, “Yes. I’m very lucky and very happy. I, too, do my best to let them feel the same luck and happiness I do.”

Hua patted the young man on the shoulder and said with a smile, “You’ve grown up, YiHan.”

YiHan looked back down at the other man. There was a strange glimmer in his eyes as he said, “Yes. I should’ve grown up.”

Something in that gaze felt off to Hua but before he had time to analyse it, he heard Yan calling out to him.

“Hua, this way,” called Yan.

“My brother’s calling for you,” YiHan said with a chuckle. “Go on.”

Hua shot the younger man a suspicious glance before humming in an affirmative response and walking over to Yan.

YiHan lifted a glass of wine. His eyes were fixed on it for a long time before he slowly put it back down again. He really didn’t dare get drunk.

Suddenly, a glass of fruit juice appeared before his eyes. YiHan’s questioning gaze followed the hand holding it until YiHan spotted Qi MingYang smiling down at him.

“Little Master Bai,” said Qi MingYang upon noticing YiHan’s eyes on him, “my sincerest apologies about the incident last time. It’s easy to get drunk on wine. Have some juice to soothe your throat with instead.”

“There’s no need to mention what’s in the past,” YiHan said as he accepted the glass of juice. “Anyway, that incident was not your fault, Mr Qi.”

“You’re very kind, Little Master,” said Qi MingYang.

“How could this be kindness?” YiHan chuckled. “Hm? You’re here very early today, Mr Qi.”

“It’s the old Mr Bai’s seventy-seventh birthday,” replied Qi MingYang. “It’s a major event. As a show of my respect, I have to come early.”

“Thank you so much, Mr Qi,” said YiHan.

“It’s what I should do,” Qi MingYang said with eyes squinting from his smile.

YiHan was about to continue the conversation when someone pulled him aside and behind them. It was JingYuan. His tall form stood in front of YiHan, blocking the younger man from view.

“Mr Qi,” rumbled JingYuan, “long time no see.”

Translator’s Notes:

Lonely old dog: Single dog meme/phrase. Google it up and Google might say its full meaning is “single with a dog” (akin to the old cat lady) but there’s no such explanation anywhere. Instead, the phrase’s logic was a) “dog” is an insult akin to bitch but ungendered and b) dogs are positive animals – loyal, hardworking, clingy, affectionate, Man’s best friend. Those meaning combined meant “single dog” is often seen as a self-mocking yet self-loving nickname/insult/term.

Giant V: MTL would say “raised eyebrows” or “his eyebrows stood up”. A brief browse through Google images and you’d find that they actually meant the comical V-shaped angry expression.

—

There was a mistranslation a few chapters back. The old Mr Bai mysteriously had his name changed to the old Mr Yan due to some technical difficulties with the translator’s brain. Apologies for the mistakes. They’ve now been corrected.

◄Previous • Index• Next►

143. “Happily” Live On

Warning: Mild attempted suicide and a lot of brooding which may be triggering for some.

What about XueQing then? Was she truly in love with Chen TianYang? Was she really…happy?

Aaaargh!

Why did things turn out like this? Happiness had arrived so quickly in this lifetime that everything felt like a dream to YiHan. He wasn’t mistaken or paranoid after all. Everything was fake. His happiness came from his family’s sacrifices.

YiHan dropped his head into his hands. He thought back to the glee and joy he’d felt, the stubborn clinginess he had towards JingYuan. He felt humiliated and embarrassed beyond imagination, especially when he recalled those romantic instances that felt exceptionally sweet back then, instances that would make him blush and his heart race. Memories of his wantonness in bed, how he would proactively seek JingYuan out, how he’d swoon, how he’d obey JingYuan’s every action ­– those all made his face flush with shame now. How he wished the gods could grant him a hole he could bury himself in and never come out. How he wished time could reverse and wind back to the moment he had just been reborn. He would hide away from his family the first opportunity he spotted. It might’ve been better to let them think he’d died in an accident. They’d hurt for a short while and they could start a new life while he could keep hiding in the shadows and did his best to change the things he’d regretted.

Actually, everything was fine as they were currently. Yan and Hua should be properly in love and happy. He’d bought some land in the southern districts. The Bai Group was doing well. As long as the Bai family didn’t fall from grace, there won’t be any more tragedies. XueQing… If she’s truly in love with Chen TianYang, that’d be amazing. The man was in love with her too. If…their romance was just a show, then everything would go back to normal without YiHan.

His sore eyes raised to scan the room he was in. His gaze then locked on the glass on his desk. JingYuan wasn’t in the room this time. He’d surely succeed, right?

YiHan rose to his feet and shuffled over to the glass. It was like he’d been possessed. His eyes were fixated on the glass, as mesmerised as if he was looking at JingYuan. Freezing fingers bump against the smooth glass. A self-deprecating chuckle escaped his lips. No wonder he hadn’t been able to find a single sharp object in his room for a while now. The only thing made of glass in this entire room was this glass, this cup he would drink from. It’s all because they were afraid he’d commit suicide.

They were afraid he’d kill himself. Yes. Everyone did all of this because they were afraid he’d attempt to murder himself. If he died now, wouldn’t that have meant everything they’d done would’ve been for nothing?

He softly placed the glass back down. He can’t die. He can’t even get hurt. He must live on. His family did this in hopes that he could live on, that he could be happy. Thus, he should “happily” live on. He thought back to the conversation he overheard. When they, his mother, his father and his JingYuan, heard Dr Zhou say YiHan was recovering well and would soon be fine, they sounded so happy. They’re happy about the current situation, right? He was just a pile of rotten flesh. So what if he sacrificed himself? Anyway, it would be an honour to be acting along with JingYuan. He was taking major advantage of JingYuan…

Cherish this time, Bai YiHan. Once you’re “fine”, JingYuan would return to his “normal” life. You mustn’t act all pained then. You mustn’t put on that laughable crying face and upset them. You must smile and wish them a happy future together, right? You’ve already taken up enough of his time.

As YiHan thought, living was his greatest punishment.

Just like a robot, he dazedly moved to his bed and slowly laid down on it. He closed his eyes. He looked as if he had never left the room.

Bai YiHan, what are you acting all pitiful for? So many people love you. You’re happy. I’m…happy.

***

JingYuan saw Dr Zhou out and went back up to Bai FuRen’s study to chat with YiHan’s parents for a few minutes. Then, he returned to YiHan’s room, only to find the young man still asleep. JingYuan couldn’t help but berate himself for acting too spoilt last night. He asked for too much. Look at how tired his precious one was now.

He sat down on the bed. A loving hand reached out to smooth YiHan’s fringe away from his face. They finally had YiHan’s parents’ blessings. JingYuan’s heart leapt. If YiHan was awake, JingYuan would eagerly propose to him. He hated how they were unable to get their marriage registration done that very day. He wanted so much to have that piece of certification paper that would make him YiHan’s lawful partner, the paper that would turn them into a true family.

His finger gently bopped YiHan on the nose as he whispered, “Little one, you’re so deeply asleep. Tired?” Since you’re so exhausted, I’ll spare you tonight.

YiHan’s face looked rather pale.

Was his lover cold? JingYuan glanced at the air conditioning’s display and scrounged for the remote control to increase the temperature by two. He pulled the blanket up higher and tucked YiHan in more securely. He sat on the bed for a long while. A glance at the clock told him it was time he headed into the office. Because of YiHan’s therapy session today, he’d been delayed for long enough. However, YiHan was asleep. He couldn’t bear to wake his young lover up. If he carried the man into his car, the man would surely be jostled awake. What difference was there between that and waking YiHan up now? Did JingYuan really have to go to work alone today? Oh no! Aah, it was all his fault. Why couldn’t he control himself last night? Why did he have to tire out HanHan?

Whatever. The doctor did say they could give HanHan some personal space. His lover was still young and he loved to play around. If they placed him on a strict house arrest all the time, HanHan would be annoyed, right?

Then…he would bring YiHan along to the office tomorrow. Ugh, he would have to tell Aunt Bai about it. HanHan must call him the moment the man was awake! Oh, poor pitiful him. He had to drag his lonely self to work all alone. It was a tale that saddened all who heard it.

He wanted to kiss YiHan before he left but he was afraid of waking the man up. All he could do was lean in close to YiHan’s neck and take a deep inhale. Why did his HanHan smell so nice? They used the same body wash! YiHan was also not one for perfumes or colognes! Was this the legendary scent of attractiveness (it’s not)? Aah, you seductive little brat!

Looking down at his lover encased in his blanket, JingYuan couldn’t find it in him to move his feet at all. He dawdled and shuffled around. Upon realising YiHan wasn’t going to wake up anytime soon, he finally, in an extremely reluctant fashion that required glancing back at YiHan three times per step he took, left.

The door closed with a “clack”. It was an extremely soft sound. This was JingYuan’s kind warmth.

YiHan opened his eyes. His gaze was as awake as can be. There wasn’t the slightest hint of drowsiness in them. His face was blank, neither happy nor sad. He looked very calm. He silently laid there on the bed. His eyes stared up at the lamp hanging down from the ceiling. He didn’t move a muscle. About an hour later, he got out of bed. With a blank expression, he washed up and straightened his clothes. It was only when he was presentable did he open the door and leave the room.

The instant he opened the door, a bright smile appeared on YiHan’s face. He quickly skipped downstairs where his mother was watching a show on the television.

“HanHan, you’re up,” Ma happily called out with a beckoning hand. “Come, sit by my side. You’ve had an awfully long nap. Did you not sleep well last night? Are you hungry?”

“It’s just a really nice nap,” YiHan said as he sat down by her side and embraced her arm like he always would. “I’m not hungry at all.”

Ma patted him on the hand and smiled back at him, “You’re an adult now and you still like to act cute with me. It’s nearly lunchtime. If you’re not hungry, we can wait until lunch is ready. Aunt Yang cooked some soup this morning. How about I ask her to get you a bowl to tide you over until then?”

YiHan maintained his posture leaning against his mother’s arm and replied, “It’s fine. I can wait until lunch. If I have soup now, I’d be too full for lunch later.”

“Mn, you’re right,” Ma said with a nod. “Right. JingYuan couldn’t bear to wake you up from your nap just now so he left for the office by himself. He asked that you call him the moment you wake up.”

Couldn’t bear to? True. After all, JingYuan loved him so much. YiHan was dearer to him than a brother. But that’s not all, was it? More importantly, Dr Zhou said JingYuan didn’t need to stick to his side all the time now. JingYuan could finally have some private time and personal space. Would he find it much less stressful now?

Don’t worry. I’ll “get well” soon. Just hold on a little longer.

Two weeks flew by and it was soon the old Mr Bai’s birthday celebration. The Bai family arrived a day before the party at the mansion in the western districts. The whole family chittered and chattered. It was a bustling day filled to the brim with happiness.

JingYuan watched YiHan smiling beside him as a slight frown took over his brows. He couldn’t sweep aside the eerie feeling he had. For a while now, his instincts had been telling him something was off about YiHan. However, the younger man would act as he normally would. He’d get angry. He’d be happy. He’d act coy and cute to JingYuan, and acted very affectionate with JingYuan. Nothing was different at all. At least, everything looked normal. Still, deep down, JingYuan felt like something about his HanHan had slightly changed.

For example, intercourse. Before, they’d have fun and make love. It was all perfect. YiHan would spoil him rotten in bed. As long as he asked for it, and as long as it didn’t go overboard, YiHan would go along with his wishes. Recently though, YiHan had been using all sorts of excuses to refuse him. Of course, such matters should only be done when both parties desire it. That was the essence of being in love. He didn’t want to force YiHan at all. As long as the other man didn’t want it, JingYuan would rather just bear with it than to force the other man to go along with it. It’s been two weeks and they’ve only done it once. It was also not a very happy incident as YiHan couldn’t put his whole heart into the act. The man was aroused but he looked like he objected to it somehow. The man didn’t even climax. If that was how sex would be, it didn’t matter if they didn’t do it.

It was nice to just hold each other and sleep together. YiHan was by his side. The other man had grown increasingly reluctant to follow him to the office but the other treated him as usual. YiHan didn’t show any dissatisfaction. JingYuan kept reminding himself that it was perhaps stress and boredom. Perhaps HanHan had been restrained for too long and far too strictly. It wasn’t strange for his HanHan to want some personal space, to have some independence. In the office, JingYuan had to work. He couldn’t just hang out with HanHan most of the time. His lover would find it boring. It was normal for HanHan to not like going with him to work.

Even so, the uneasiness could not be shaken off. JingYuan couldn’t resist going online and seek help anonymously. The replies the post had gotten were extremely grim. Nearly all of them said the same thing: “When a lover doesn’t crave your body anymore and doesn’t like to cling to you anymore, you’re basically over.”

JingYuan was very unhappy with his results. His HanHan was clearly so good to him. HanHan cared for him, relied on him, and there were no issues at all when they interacted with each other. But why did the uneasiness in his heart grow more and more?

At that thought, JingYuan couldn’t help but want to hold YiHan’s hand. However, due to a seemingly accidental wave of YiHan’s hand, JingYuan’s hand missed. True. YiHan’s family members were all here. Even if they knew the two of them were lovers, it wasn’t fitting for them to hold hands the entire time. JingYuan’s fingers clenched into a fist, then relaxed as he looked at YiHan. The other man’s face was as pleasant as ever. For some unknown reason, JingYuan’s heart panicked. His fingers clenched and relaxed and clenched and relaxed. He repeated the actions a few times but he still couldn’t hold back. He reached out and gently grasped YiHan’s wrist. It felt like the only way to soothe the frustration and uneasiness in his heart was through physical contact.

Translator’s Notes:

Oh no!: Yes. Despite what pinyin and MTL would tell you, 哦漏 (Ó lòu) actually means “oh no!”.

It was a tale that saddened all who heard it: Alternate translation of this idiom would be “It broke the hearts of everyone who witnessed or heard it”. The author also had a typo. They wrote 见者流泪 instead of 听者流泪.

Scent of attractiveness: By right, it should translate to “reproductive scent” or “hormonal scent” (aka body odour). However, the reference here is to the fantastical, ethereal scent novels/dramas like to talk about emitting from the most attractive character in the story.

Essence of being in love: The word used here is 升华 which means sublimation/vaporisation/purification or promotion/ascension. An alternate way of translating this sentence might be “that was the next level in love” or “sex is the act of pure love”.

Happy new year!

◄Previous • Index• Next►

142. Don’t Want Your Sacrifice

It was Wednesday, another day when Doctor Zhou would be visiting YiHan and checking in on him. The two men sat and chatted for hours in YiHan’s room by themselves. Talking with the therapist was extremely relaxing for YiHan. Combined with the “intense exercise” from last night, YiHan couldn’t resist falling asleep during their session.

When Dr Zhou left the room, he softly closed the door behind him and told the man waiting outside, “He’s asleep.”

JingYuan poked his head into the room to check on his lover. The younger man was curled up on the couch covered by a thin blanket. Dr Zhou must’ve covered him up when the man noticed he was asleep. Worried that YiHan would wake up with a crick in his neck, JingYuan padded into the room, scooped the sleeping man into his arms and shifted the man to the bed. JingYuan tucked YiHan in and quietly left the room.

YiHan wasn’t deep asleep then. When JingYuan moved him over to the bed, he’d started to wake up. However, he’d just woken up and wasn’t willing to open his eyes. He rested his eyes for a few moments. It was only when he heard the soft click of a door closing, a sound so soft that it wouldn’t have disturbed someone fast asleep, did YiHan open his eyes. With eyes curved into slits, YiHan softly chuckled.

JingYuan had grown into a tall and strong man. He’d also grown to be a stern-looking man over the past few years. Everyone said Mu JingYuan was a secretive and cold man, just like a rock. But when he was with YiHan, a special kind of warmth would exude from the older man. It didn’t show up in grand passionate gestures but in the tiny details in their daily lives. It was the type of adoration that made YiHan feel cosy and safe. He couldn’t imagine what his life would be like if he ever lost JingYuan.

YiHan laid on the bed for a while longer. He couldn’t fall back to sleep so he left the bed, planning on looking for JingYuan. To his surprise when he opened the door, no one was around. The hallway was as quiet as can be and his mother wasn’t watching her shows in the living room. Even Aunt Yang was nowhere to be seen. Just where had everyone gone?

YiHan searched the whole house for his family. No one was to be found. How very queer. Usually, when he took a nap, JingYuan would be in the house, if not standing guard outside of his door. Just where was he today? Hmph! How dare the man run off all alone while he was asleep. There’ll be a punishment waiting for him once YiHan finds him!

Whatever. He’d rather head back to his room and play some video games. There was no way Mu JingYuan, the man with the clingiest nature ever, would abandon him to head into the office by himself!

YiHan grit his teeth and fumed as he headed back to his room. As he passed by his father’s study, he heard sounds coming from within. So that’s where JingYuan was! He’d found the man! Hah!

YiHan walked closer to the study room’s door to find that the door wasn’t properly closed. There was a tiny gap just big enough to allow someone in the hallway to hear what was going on inside. YiHan shuffled closer in the fuzzy slippers JingYuan had bought for him. The carpet absorbed any sounds his feet made. No one in the study noticed his presence. He was going to push open the door to give the people inside a scare when he heard Dr Zhou’s voice. The man should’ve left by now.

“Little Master’s condition has improved significantly,” said Dr Zhou. “His emotions are now stable and he’s no longer showing any desire for self-harm or suicide. He’s recovered very fast, so fast that I’m in shock. In all my years in this field, I’ve attended to countless similar patients but this is the first time I’d seen such rapid improvement. His family’s support and cooperation definitely played a major role in this. From that, I can say Little Master Bai is a very lucky, very happy young man.”

YiHan was stunned. Was he ill? Why didn’t he understand what the doctor was saying? Wasn’t Dr Zhou hired because his family was worried the kidnapping would traumatise him? YiHan didn’t think it necessary then but he’d been very cooperative for his family’s sake. Dr Zhou himself even said YiHan was a healthy young man. The therapy sessions were just for show, something to soothe his family’s worries. However, why was the doctor telling his parents YiHan was sick? Was Dr Zhou trying to scam YiHan’s parents?

YiHan’s urge to burst into the reignited and he was about to barge in and expose this scammer for who he was when JingYuan’s voice spoke up, glee audible in the man’s voice.

 “You mean his suicidal tendencies are completely gone, doctor?” asked JingYuan. “He’s recovered this quickly?”

YiHan: You fool! You really believed him? I’ve never been suicidal! Hope! Let’s see how this conman will reply!

“We can’t say it’s completely vanished,” Dr Zhou said, not an ounce of anxiety in his voice, “because this depends on Little Master Bai’s mood. If he can maintain his current state of mind though, there should be no issues. He’d fully recover sooner or later.”

“That’s great!” Ma cried out in joy. “I’ve been worrying my heart out every day. I was so afraid that I’d say something wrong, something that’d make him overthink.”

“That’s because you’re too anxious,” said FuRen. “It should’ve been fine just to act as you’ve always acted. It’s easier for him to think too deeply into your actions if you appear too nervous.”

“Mr Bai is right,” said Dr Zhou. “We must act natural at all times.”

“So does his recovery mean he doesn’t need someone by his side twenty-four seven?” Ma asked. “He has no privacy or personal space now and it’s distracting JingYuan from his work.”

“Yes, there’s no need,” replied Dr Zhou. “As he is now, you can give him an appropriate amount of personal space. It won’t make his thoughts run wild.”

Ma let out a sigh of relief and said, “JingYuan, you don’t need to bring him with you to work from now on. You can also relax a little.”

“Aunt,” JingYuan said, “I don’t find bringing YiHan into the office troublesome at all. He behaved well and never distracted me from my work.”

“I know you love to dote on him,” Ma warmly said, “but you have your work to do. You need your own space. We had no choice before. He wasn’t in a good place and only you could calm him down. We had to have you be with him at all times. Now that he’ll be all better soon and the doctor said it’s fine, you don’t need to tire yourself out.”

JingYuan had yet to reply when Dr Zhou spoke, “Actually, the Little Master’s condition has been an extremely valuable experience for me. Allowing the patient to obtain love as a way to soothe their volatile emotions. This is a very effective method. I believe, with the Little Master’s experience as an example, many more lives can be saved. Little Master is recovering all thanks to having such open-minded parents and caring friends. Only then could he have improved so much.”

“Yes,” Ma said. “This is all thanks to JingYuan. He made such a great sacrifice for HanHan. Not only did he give up on his engagement with XueQing, he even agreed to date HanHan for a while to calm our son down. HanHan’s all better now. We just don’t know how to thank him or to repay him.”

“Indeed,” said Dr Zhou. “Such a great friendship is admirable. Rarely can anyone make such a sacrifice for someone else, not even blood-related brothers would do so. But don’t worry. With the Little Master’s recovery rate, I believe Mr Mu can soon return to a normal life.”

YiHan’s eyes were as wide as plates. Tears streaked down his cheeks. When he heard the words “Mr Mu can soon return to a normal life”, he couldn’t help but clasp his hands over his ears and dash away from the door, as if he was running away from the gates of hell.

Within the room behind the door YiHan had just left, JingYuan continued, “Uncle, Aunt, I must come clean with you. I’m not pretending to be dating HanHan. I didn’t sacrifice anything either. I truly love him. I crave for the chance to marry him. I hope you can forgive and understand me.”

***

YiHan’s head was buzzing. His mind was overwhelmed by the echoes of what he’d overheard.

“JingYuan made such a great sacrifice for HanHan.”

“He gave up on his engagement with XueQing.”

“He even agreed to date HanHan for a while to calm our son down.”

“Such a great friendship is admirable. Rarely can anyone make such a sacrifice for someone else, not even blood-related brothers would do so.”

“The Little Master’s condition has been an extremely valuable experience for me. Allowing the patient to obtain love as a way to soothe their volatile emotions. This is a very effective method.”

“Mr Mu can soon return to a normal life.”

“Little Master is recovering all thanks to having such open-minded parents and caring friends. Only then could he have improved so much.”

“He’s no longer showing any desire for self-harm or suicide.”

“Little Master Bai is a very lucky, very happy young man.”

Yes, I’m very lucky. They did all this for me. I have so many people in my life who cared for me, who would do anything for me. So why does it hurt so much?

YiHan couldn’t tell left from right anymore. All he knew was that he had to stumble onward and forward. Thankfully, years of habit brought him back to his room. Surrounded by the room he’d lived in for most of his life, he finally gave in to his emotions. He slid down against the door and slumped on the floor. He wanted to cry out loud but he had no reason to. Everyone was doing this for him. Even if it was just a lie, they only lied out of kindness and for the sake of his life. Everyone was lying to him because he was sick. Right. He’d attempted suicide before. That incident must’ve terrified his beloved family. That’s why all those events happened. His mother would be so cautious when speaking to him. JingYuan and XueQing gave up on their engagement for him. JingYuan’s actually straight, right? He was forced to be with a man just because of him…

Everyone had made great sacrifices for his sake, so what did he have to be miserable about?

As expected, his existence was the bane of his family. Everything looked perfect but it was all just a facade his family created, all for his puny life!

YiHan clasped his hands over his mouth as he gave a pained and silent roar, a roar that would be echoed by a trapped animal. His face was covered in tears a few moments ago. Now, his eyes were dry. Not a tear was to be seen.

So JingYuan didn’t really love him. Dating him was just a “big sacrifice” he had to make for YiHan’s health. How laughable. YiHan even joyfully exclaimed to JingYuan how lucky he was that the one he loved was someone who loved him back, that he was the happiest man in the world. He didn’t think that his happiness and luck would all come from a “sacrifice” his beloved made. His joy was built upon the suffering of the one he loved.

All that affection, those tender moments of care, was it all because JingYuan thought of YiHan “closer than his own brother”? Did all those nights of passion merely occur because of…pity? Was JingYuan’s insistence of being close to YiHan at all times, that “clingy” aspect of JingYuan, was it all not born out of love? Was it all because he was a mentally unstable individual, someone sick who required soothing at any time of the day? Was JingYuan exhausted of bringing YiHan with him everywhere he went? Was he frustrated by the lack of personal space? He must be.

However, YiHan didn’t want these “sacrifices”! YiHan didn’t have any hope of being with JingYuan anyway. He only wanted to silently compensate his family, compensate JingYuan, for the past. He wanted to relive his life in peace.

JingYuan, I don’t want your “sacrifice”. Please?

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