54. Going Where I Should Be
Warning: Still some self-blaming, but only for a paragraph or two.
HanHan was standing in the middle of a shard-covered floor with bare feet. Those lively eyes were dull and grey. A large glass shard, clutched by a slender fist, was heading straight for his neck.
JingYuan was so shocked, he yelled, “HanHan! What are you doing?”
YiHan flinched. Startled, he paused. He looked over to the bed and saw JingYuan jump up and charged straight for him with a face full of fear. The only thing ringing through his mind was: JingYuan’s awake!
YiHan’s pupils were blown wide and filled with terror. Unwittingly, he took a step backwards. The floor was covered in glass shards. His foot stepped right into them. Frightened, JingYuan screeched to a halt right at the edge of the shard pile. He raised his hands to show he’s not going to harm HanHan. He didn’t know what was going on with hi little one. He only knew the other wasn’t in the right state of mind. He absolutely cannot agitate HanHan now.
“What is it, HanHan? Hand me what you’re holding, okay? It’s dangerous,” JingYuan softly said.
Like a string of pearls that had just had the knot holding them together cut off, YiHan’s tears streamed down. He clutched the shard harder in his hand. Blood dripped down his palm and to the floor
“JingYuan, I’m sorry…” he said with a raspy, trembling voice. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I thought I was in a dream. I didn’t know it was real. Don’t be angry at me, please? I won’t bother you. Don’t worry. I know. I shouldn’t exist. It’ll be better if I don’t exist. You’ll all have a perfect life. I’ll…I’ll be going where I should be. Don’t be angry…” As he said so, he hurried raised the shard once more. He didn’t dare delay it any longer. He swiftly slashed it at his throat!
JingYuan shattered into pieces. Then, he didn’t have time to think about it anymore. He flew right over. Bare feet crunching on shattered glass, leaving bloody footprints behind. In one quick dashed, JingYuan grabbed the hand with the shard.
YiHan didn’t hold back this time. Even if his arm was caught at the last minute, the momentum still caused a gash to appear on his neck. A bead of eye-catching red dripped down, sunk into his robe and flowed into JingYuan’s heart.
JingYuan’s heart nearly leapt out of his throat. Sweat beaded on his forehead. His breath came out in heavy pants. His whole body was quivering. His bloodshot eyes bored into YiHan as the knuckles on the hand clutching on YiHan’s arm went white. He ignored the sharp edges of the shard cutting into his fingers and forcefully pulled that terrifying glass shard out and away!
Clink! A blood-covered glass shard was thrown onto the ground. JingYuan wrapped his arms around YiHan, carried him away from that danger zone in spite of YiHan’s struggling.
He placed YiHan on the bed and used his body to act as restraints on top of the other. His arms clung hard to YiHan’s upper body while his legs twined with YiHan’s to make sure the other couldn’t move.
The state of YiHan dunked the heart, that had been pickled in honey before sleep, right into the icy snow. All JingYuan could feel was a freezing chill running down his spine.
He bound YiHan tight to the bed. His eyes burning red. Finally, a teardrop burned its way down his cheek. Bitterness clogged up his throat. “HanHan, why must you do this? Is it because of last night? But everything was fine last night. You didn’t refuse me and kept calling out my name. I thought…I thought my feelings were requited. If…If you didn’t want to, why didn’t you push me away? I love you. I wouldn’t have forced you to.”
YiHan froze. He stopped struggling and laid limp on the bed.
Why didn’t you push me away: Another fine example of something no-no in real life, but okay in this context because this fictional setting is the perfect ideal world where all factors are known to us. It sounds rather victim-blaming as the person asking would usually not understand/know all social/physical pressures that come with saying no to someone who’s capable of being a threat at any moment.